I Need To Be Done

After having such an amazing night Friday night, and deciding that I could live with my drug of choice, I think I’m deciding against it now.

It is now Monday morning and Sean has been MIA since Saturday morning.  He left the house yesterday at noon while I was sitting on the porch enjoying the beautiful day.  He never even glanced across the street at my house.  He just got in his truck and drove away.  I stuck my tongue out at him as he drove past.

Then his truck slammed into reverse and I thought, “Fuck!  He saw that.”  Nope.  He went back to his place, ran in the house, came back out, got in his truck, and took off again.  Never once did he look my way this time either.

I went to bed at 10:30 and he still wasn’t home.  He didn’t call or text all day.  I woke up this morning at 5:30 and I didn’t see his truck outside.  I looked again at 6:45 and it was there.  I don’t know if it was there at 5:30 and it was just too dark to see it or if he’d come home in that time.

I also woke up in a ton of pain this morning.  My neck and shoulders are killing me and it is all the muscles that I carry my emotions in when I refuse to let them out.  I find myself once again extremely hurt by Sean’s apparently forgetting  I exist.  It strikes me again that I am his afterthought.  It makes me realize that I can’t do this.  I can’t be involved in anyway, even on a day-to-day non-relationship basis, like this with someone who can just go off and forget about me.

Just like I’ve done everything else in my life when I recognize how bad it is for me, I’ve decided to go cold turkey.  I won’t call him or text him.  I need to be done.  I need to walk away.  I know I can’t do that if I see him.  I know my will power isn’t strong enough to fight the chemistry between us.  If I see him now, I’ll fall into his arms as soon as he gets close enough for me to look in his eyes.  (It seems that I’m a sucker for blue eyes.)

I’m at war with myself right now.  I know I need to walk away, but the high is calling my name.  Which will win?

My self-respect or my body?

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7 Comments

  1. Michelle

    I’m not dating or anything yet but after my marriage to a borderline personality disorder sex addict, alcoholic, and after we separated he also became a drug addict, I wouldn’t date anyone seriously without knowing more about how they spend their time. I don’t think that it’s none of your business to have that openness. If he wants a relationship then he should be willing to be open and it shouldn’t be a problem if he has nothing to hide. I don’t think that’s unrealistic IMO.

    • For him wanting a relationship so badly, he wasn’t doing anything to show me that he was serious about it. From my POV – us having a day-to-day thing only, it really *wasn’t* my business how he chose to spend his time. It was my business, however, that he chose to blow me off when he said he’d be here and he went MIA.

      If I ever do get serious about dating, I will want that accountability.

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