Friday night when Arcadia, Sean, and I were talking, I just randomly asked him what he thought about submission in marriage.  So many people believe in Wife Only Submission (WOS) where it is only the wife who has to submit to her husband regardless of how she feels.  That is the thinking that helped keep me in abuse for too long.  I was told by my pastor to just submit more, be a Biblical wife, pray harder, do better, etc.  It was all about making me into more of a doormat and slapping an “It’s Biblical” sticker on it.

I’d done a little research into Sean’s church when his family first invited me so I knew his views on submission in marriage and female pastors could be sticking points from what I’d read on their website.  If he believed what his church taught, we could have a huge problem.

Sean’s answer impressed me.  He believes that husbands and wives are equal and should make decisions together.  Since he was coming from a seemingly Southern, conservative, Christian stand-point, I almost fell over.  It was not the answer I expected from him.  He answered the question so well that I decided to try another one.

I asked Sean what he thought of female preachers.  He said, “I don’t believe in them.”  Well, there it is!  That is what I expected from him. Thankfully, Arcadia was all over that.  It was actually a lot of fun to watch her challenge his beliefs.  The three of us had a good conversation about it.  I posed this to Sean, “Let’s say we are in a relationship and I come to you and tell you that I feel called to be a preacher.  Would you support me?”

He was speechless for a moment.  Then he started talking.  I’m not exactly sure what he was saying in all of it, but he finally looked at me and said, “I would support you.”  Again, knock me over with a feather.

We then talked a little bit about why I can’t go to church yet.  The last time I went, the preacher, a woman, had a very good message that seemed like God was speaking directly to me through her.  I like the preacher; I think she is has very Biblically-based teachings.  Yet, I don’t go back because just walking in the building sets off my PTSD.  I look at the people there as people who cannot be trusted because they are “Christians.”  I know this is ironic as I identify myself as a Christian.  I’ve been hurt by too many people claiming to be Christian to not have a lot of baggage surrounding people in an organized religious setting.

I’ve been considering emailing her to see if I can talk to her about this.  It is something I really want to work; I want a church family.  But I don’t know how to fight this one on my own.  I need help.

I think it may be time to reach out for that help.



  1. There probably needs to be more teaching to pastors and churches about abuse. I agree there doesn’t seem to be much support. The overwhelming mentality is staying married at almost all costs. Just because women used to stay married quite often and suffer through so much doesn’t mean it should continue that way.

    • I stayed for a few extra years because I couldn’t find a “Biblical” reason to leave. I lived in misery yet it was my fault because I wasn’t a Godly enough wife. Pastors are just NOT qualified to deal with abuse. They don’t recognize it and put the responsibility on the wife to do and be better. Ugh. It’s sickening.

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