How Stupid Can I Be?
Friday night I had to kick Sean out. He kept snoring and I just couldn’t get to sleep. I would have liked nothing more than to fall asleep with him and wake up with him in the morning but I couldn’t fall asleep with him snoring. It was too triggering for my PTSD since Bubba snored so much. I couldn’t relax and convince myself that I was safe. Realistically, I knew it was Sean beside me, but I couldn’t stop the flight response that had me wanting to run away. Sean said he’d bring his nasal spray over Saturday night so that he would be able to breathe and wouldn’t snore.
Yesterday morning I saw Sean outside, getting ready to leave so I went over to say hello. I wanted to see if he’d made plans to go see Andy because I wanted to go with him. We chatted for awhile and he said he’d see me later.
Liam was at a friend’s house and texted around 5 p.m. to let me know he was ready to come home. I was watching one of Arcadia’s kids and since I don’t have a carseat, I told Liam that I would call Sean to see if he could run over and pick him up. Sean didn’t answer his phone. I texted and again, got no response. I told Liam that he’d just have to wait for Arcadia to come back and then I’d run over and get him.
Serenity was at a friend’s house and she texted to see if she could spend the night. I told her she could since I’m just so happy that she has finally come out of her shell and has friends now! I also planned to make Liam go to bed at his normal bedtime because I know he stays up all night when he is with his friends, whether they are here or at his friends’ homes. I was going to be free after 8:00 p.m.
I texted Sean and let him know that we’d have all evening together and that he needed to repsond or else. No response. To say I was disgruntled would be an understatement. I gave him a few hours and texted again after I was sure the boys were asleep. I gave him 30 minutes to get his ass to my house and gave him a rather explicit description of what he’d be missing if he didn’t show up. It is now Sunday morning and I haven’t heard from him at all.
I’m trying to decide if I have a right to be angry because right now, I really, really am. This is a habit for Sean to tell me he’ll be here then to blow me off. Oh, of course he’ll have what he thinks of as a reasonable explanation but they are meaningless to me now. I’ve heard everything from he was fighting with his ex-wife over seeing the kids to he simply fell asleep. Whatever the reason, I always end up feeling like his afterthought. Yes, I know we aren’t in a relationship but I wouldn’t put up with this kind of stuff if it was Arcadia doing it. Friends simply don’t blow off their friends.
So now I have to decide what I want to do. I’m pretty sure a proper analogy here would be drug use. The person using the drugs knows they aren’t good for her, it will end badly, but it just feels SO GOOD that she can’t stop. That’s where I am with Sean. I know he isn’t good for me. I know I deserve more than to be forgotten about and ignored like this but he makes me feel so good when he is with me.
What do I want? I want him to be reliable. I know that that isn’t up to me. He’s extremely unreliable. This same question keeps circling in my head. Am I willing to get what I can from him right now, knowing full well that he is unreliable and will blow me off on a regular basis? Is the way he can make me feel physically worth feeling like this emotionally?
He helps the lonelies when he is around. The chemistry is amazing. He makes me laugh. He thinks I’m beautiful. He holds me when I’m a slobbering, crying mess. He looks into the darkness that is me and sees light.
I know that we don’t have enough to build a life on. He still has those non-negotiables that I simply won’t live with. For now, I think I’m going to accept the day-to-dayness of this, take what I can from it, and try to navigate telling him that he royally pissed me off last night. We’ll see if we can have a mature conversation about it and we’ll see if he does it again.
It all boils down to the fact that I don’t want to give up how he makes me feel physically. Yes, Sean is my drug of choice right now.
I’m addicted and I’ll put up with the bad parts for the next high.