Oh What a Night!
As I was leaving work to go to lunch, I called Sean’s Mom to find out if she’d heard how Andy did in his surgery. She gave me a good update on him; his surgery went well and he was already recuperating at home. I asked to speak to Sean but she said he was sleeping.
I got home five minutes later and Sean was sitting on his porch. I told him his Mom told me he was sleeping but I could see that he was exercising his ninja skills. We chatted for a minute because I was hungry and had to eat and get back to work. I offered to make him a smoothie for dinner since his mouth still hurt. We made plans for him to come over after I got Shane to bed.
Arcadia texted later and told me she was coming over around 7:30. I figured that Sean and I could wait until after she left to make-out. Sean got here relatively early and was here as I was getting Shane to bed. I was sitting on Shane’s bed with him while Serenity washed the dishes and Sean used my computer to buy a new power cord for his laptop. I was watching Sean while he used my computer and talked to Serenity. They were bonding over Andy and the fact that they didn’t get to see him enough. It felt what “normal” must feel like. I sat there thinking that I really like having a man in the house, just being here, being a part of our lives.
Shane fell asleep and Arcadia finally got here. Serenity finished with dishes and went to her room to play xBox. The three of us sat here and I was able to ask Sean some very deep, important questions. I asked him what he thought about submission in marriage. He said that the husband and wife should be equals, sharing in decision making and important stuff but that the husband is the head of the household. I asked him to clarify that and he said that he should be doing all the things a man should do to take care of his family. I actually liked his answer because it wasn’t about “Hey, I have a penis so I’m better.” It was more along the lines of, “These things are easier for me because I’m a man and it would make me happy to do them for my wife.”
I also asked him what his thoughts were on woman preachers. He said he didn’t believe in them. Oh, Arcadia and I had a field day with that one. I posed a hypothetical question to him, “What if we were a couple and I told you I felt led to be a preacher. Would you support me?” I think in the discussion that followed, we really challenged his thoughts on this. I’m not holding my breath that he changed his mind, but I think that we planted some seeds last night.
After we talked for a few hours, Arcadia had to head home. I walked her out to her car and she told me that Endellion had asked her to check on me because she was so worried. I told her I was feeling a bit better but it is just some darkness that I don’t understand that I have to work through somehow. I told her that I’ve been doing the hard work to heal for a year and a half and I’m just tired now. I just want a break but there is no break. Shit just keeps surfacing at its own pace.
I went back in to the house and talked Sean into watching a movie with me. We curled up on the couch and snuggled. I’m still amazed that he can make my body hum by simply playing with one breast. How does he do that? I really don’t understand it.
After the movie, I told Sean I was going to bed and asked him to tuck me in. I had ulterior motives as I knew this was the best way to get him to kiss me again. We spent the next two hours snuggling, making out, talking, and dozing.
I don’t know how much longer this can continue. We are mature adults, we’ve both been sexually active for a very long time, and we have amazing chemistry. Logic dictates that this will end up with us having sex eventually. I’m so very torn about it. I can’t give in to this when I’m still only at a FWB stage knowing that he wants so much more from me. Last night, he made it even more difficult. He told me he has been reconsidering the FWB thing and that he thinks it can work. Sadly, I know it can’t. I’ve been on the “too attached” side of FWB and it simply does not work.
Besides, we haven’t had any conversations about our histories and I still feel like what happened over the summer with Luke is hanging between us. I’m not volunteering any information and he isn’t asking, but there have been a few comments made by Sean that make me think that he hasn’t accepted that I was with Luke over the summer. We are going to have to clear the air in that regard, even if it is only for me to say, “It’s none of your business.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, any man that wants to be any part of my life will have to accept that Luke will always be a very special person to me and that he’s a part of my life.
Last night was a very fun night. I feel good when I’m with Sean. I really like how he makes me feel physically. And as I sit and write this, I want him to come home and be with me. Serenity is spending the night with a friend. Liam might be spending another night with a friend. That leaves only Shane in the house.
This could potentially be a very interesting evening.