So Much for “The Resolution”
After I got home from work, I decided to just walk across the street and see how Sean and Andy were doing. I figured I’d check in with whoever answered the door and be done with it. I knocked and when I opened the door, I was just shown to where Sean was laying down.
I decided since they were just taking me to see him, I’d tell him good-bye. I was really going to say, “Good-bye, Sean,” and walk out the door and leave him alone. I really was.
As I stood there, talking to him, I could feel my resolve melting away. Even standing there, just talking to him, I felt better than I had all week. He finally patted the bed beside him and told me to sit down. He told me he’d read what I wrote and that he didn’t believe it. He told me that what I feel inside is just the hurt that I had to bury for all of those years and that what I’d thought of as love and devotion really weren’t. I’m starting to experience what those things are now and I’m scared because it is so different than what I thought it was.
I tried again to tell him that there is nothing good in me, that there is just nothing in me to give him or anyone else for that matter. He isn’t buying it.
I spent about an hour talking to him, avoiding going home and being a responsible adult and getting dinner started. When I’m with Sean, I can just forget and escape the real world for a bit.
He finally stood up and held his hands out to me. I put my hands into his and he pulled me up and into his arms. When he kissed me, the world melted away. All I am is sensation when he touches me. Purity is in full control.
Let’s discuss Purity. I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately. She doesn’t feel like a separate entity anymore. I don’t know whether she’s integrated or whether she is just so in control that she’s taken up everything I am. I can’t tell which it is. All I know is that I’m walking around in a state of near constant arousal; wearing jeans is delicious torture.
I felt Fluffy reintegrating. I just assumed that I would feel Purity reintegrating too but I haven’t. There has been no hugely defining moment that made think, “Hey! Purity and I have merged and it is ok now.” If she is reintegrated then that means that all this sexual stuff going on is purely me. I don’t know whether I’m ready to face the fact that I’m such a sexual being or not. I think that seems just a little too scary at the moment.
If she did reintegrate, it has been a slow progression, starting when Luke visited. Maybe she did reintegrate while he was here and all this desire that I feel raging through me for Sean now is simply me. I just don’t know.
The only thing I am certain of is that I can’t walk away from Sean. I like the sensations entirely too much. I like that time and space cease to exist for me when he is near. I need that escape. For now, I’ll continue on. He knows where I stand. I refuse to be anything other than completely upfront with him.
At this point, when I do hurt him, he won’t be able to say that I didn’t warn him.