Sean called last night to let me know that he’d be having oral surgery done today and that Andy would be having surgery to put a few pins in the leg he just broke. I asked Sean to come over and he said it wasn’t a good idea but I was welcome to go over there if I wanted.
I couldn’t help myself and I went over. As I was going in, everyone else in the house was leaving. Sean was fixing himself a snack so we stood in the kitchen, talking, while he put his food together. After the first hug he gave me when I walked in, he’d made no move to come near me. I purposely stepped into his way and lifted my face to him. He kissed me and told me I wasn’t playing fair. I knew he spoke the truth and I tried to hide how I was feeling but he wanted to know what was wrong.
During the course of the next hour, it came out. I told him that I was going to hurt him, that all I had in my chest was black nothingness, and that whatever this was, it was going to end in a massive kaboom and he was going to get hurt. I’ve decided that he’s either stupidly optimistic or just plain stupid. He doesn’t believe me.
I told him that he should just hate me now and get it over with. I told him it would be better if I just walked out and didn’t come back. He asked me if that is what I wanted. I couldn’t answer. He said, “You not answering is answer enough.” I told him that I simply wasn’t strong enough to walk away and that he should just make me go. He told me that if I stopped calling him, he’d be banging on my door until I talked to him….well, short of stalking, of course.
Why did I lay myself bare to him? Why did I tell him this? He didn’t believe me. Now I just feel like I opened myself to him and it was wasted. I told him that I’d better get going but as we were sitting on the porch and I’d left my shoes inside, I had to go back in to get them. He hugged me again and I kissed his neck and asked him to make me forget for awhile. He kissed me and I forgot for a moment before the realization of what I was doing hit me. I pulled away, patted his chest, told him I was sorry, and took off out of the door.
I couldn’t go back home in that state, so I walked the neighborhood for about 15 minutes. In that time, I decided to print off what I’d written yesterday morning about the blackness. If I gave him my written words, maybe he’d really see that I’m not just saying this. He needs to understand.
This morning, I woke up and decided that, after calling over there this evening to check on Sean and Andy, I won’t call again. I really don’t believe he’ll beat down my door. Hell, he went 10 days without bothering, so this shouldn’t be any different. I have to find the strength to be done with him. I have to let him go. Better to hurt him now than to continue being selfish and letting him hope that there is anything in me for him.
Now to pray that I have enough strength to walk away.