Bubba had gotten a job in California and come here to visit Shane. I don’t know where the older two were, but they weren’t in my dream at all. I was living in a place that was big enough to have a guest room so I let Bubba stay with us. He’d started berating me about something so I got paints and paper out and started painting. He sat down at the table and started ridiculing what I was doing and just throwing sarcastic comments at me.
I stood up and said, “This is why I divorced you. You are being abusive right now. A non-abusive person does not denigrate their former spouse. A non-abusive person does not sit here and say the things to me that you are saying to me.” I then told him that him staying with me was not working and he had five minutes to get his things together and get out.
As he was getting into his car, he told Shane to get his shoes on so he could walk him to his car. As Bubba sat in his car and leaned out to give Shane a hug, he whispered something in his ear and Shane jumped on his lap. I knew that Bubba was taking Shane and I just knew that I’d never see Shane again if he left with him. I jumped on the trunk of the car and held on to the spoiler, while calling 9-1-1 on my cell phone.
Bubba found a field next door and was doing doughnuts, trying to shake me off his car, but I wouldn’t let go. He stopped the car and pulled a gun on me. I told him to put it away because he might accidentally hit Shane instead. He fired toward the right of me, just as Shane was getting out of the car. He went to fire again and I stepped into the line of fire to protect Shane from getting hit. Just then a woman arrived to talk to us.
Bubba hid the gun and the woman introduced herself as a social worker who was there to help us. I tried to tell her what he’d done and about the gun but she insisted we sit and discuss it. Then we were in a restaurant (I have no idea how we got there) and Bubba was sitting on the bench beside me. The entire time she was talking, he was poking at me, and kicking me and she never did anything about it. I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn’t. I knew I couldn’t leave because the woman would take Shane away from me if I didn’t have this conversation to work out “our” problems.
Just as he did in our marriage, he kept picking and picking until I was furious but again, I couldn’t do anything about it except take his abuse. The woman never did anything to help me.
Then I was at work and Bubba was there. I was trying to sign on to my computer to call for help since the phones are tied into the computers. Bubba started to grab my breasts and I tried to turn around to kick him but couldn’t get turned around. Then I did break away from him and went running and he followed me. Three men watched him pursue me and try to grab hold of me and they wouldn’t help at all. I begged them to help me because he was trying to hug me and grab me. I kept trying to kick Bubba in the groin, but he kept deflecting my knee.
Finally a great burst of strength came up from inside of me and I grabbed Bubba, threw him to the floor, and punched his throat. I heard a cracking sound and immediately Bubba started turning blue. I realized that I’d crushed his windpipe and he wasn’t able to breathe. I was sitting on his chest when I realized I’d killed him. I helplessly watched him suffocate while I cupped his face and told him I was sorry, that I didn’t mean to kill him, I just tried to protect myself.
I knew that even in death, he would win because I’d go to jail for murdering him. I didn’t want him to die, I just wanted him to leave me alone. As I was watching him struggle to breathe while he laid there dying, I woke up.
I was shaking and crying and I was utterly alone. Then I remembered that it was all about Shane and that Shane had slept with me last night. I reached over and put my hand on his back and felt him breathing. I laid there, just feeling him breathe while the terror washed over me.
I cried myself back to sleep like that.