I broke down and called Sean last night after I went to bed. He was already asleep. I had hoped he’d call if he woke up but he didn’t. He either didn’t get the message or he’s sending me one. I simply don’t know.
Endellion and Cantata are trying to tell me that I’m not using him, that he knows what is going on, where I stand. But they don’t understand. I can feel the blackness in me. This great void where the person I am is supposed to be but isn’t. I haven’t felt this profoundly broken in a very long time. Today I feel like an empty pit of dark, writhing, twisted rot. I know it is overly dramatic but have you seen those movies that have glimpses into hell, where you see the souls of people reaching, trying to get out? I feel like that is inside of me. If you’d open up my chest, all you would see is the gate to hell where my heart should be.
I’m completely closed off. I know this. I don’t believe in love. I don’t want to believe in love. I don’t want to open myself up to being hurt again yet I hurt every day. I think it is going to be like living with Bubba. I stayed with him for so long, even as painful as it was because the fear of leaving was greater than the fear of staying. Now, I stay in this space because the fear of opening myself to possibilities is greater than the fear of staying here. I can’t get past that.
I want Sean to come over. I want to rage at him and tell him to hate me. I want to tell him to run away from me because it is the only smart thing to do. I want him to leave me. Yet I want him to hold me and make me stop thinking all of this. I want my brain to shut up. With him the emotions shut down and all I feel is the physical.
That is what I want. An escape. An escape from emotions. An escape from the blackness. To just feel the need and let it take over. Because for now, I’m done healing. I’m going to sit on this ledge and just be content here for awhile.
I’ll let the demons nip at my heels because the way is too steep and I’m too scared to keep climbing right now.