I’m a Bitch
I woke up this morning not liking myself very much. I feel very selfish and greedy and I feel like a royal bitch.
You see, I want Sean, but I want him on my terms only. I want to use him for what I can get out of him but I refuse to give him any of myself. I guess partly because I don’t feel like I have anything to give but mostly because I don’t want to open myself up to him.
I absolutely like how he makes me feel physically. I enjoy spending time with him as friends but it won’t go beyond that. Do I have the right to use him and how he can make my body feel for that alone? What if I’m totally honest with him about it?
I don’t think it is right. I don’t think it is honorable. I think it puts me on Bubba’s level and I hate myself for that right now. Yet, I can’t stop wanting to spend time with Sean. I can’t stop wanting him to kiss me and hold me and make me forget everything while we are together.
It is selfish, it is wrong, yet I’m angry that he stayed away all that time. I’m angry that he doesn’t call or seem to want to spend time with me. I’m an afterthought to him. For all his talk about wanting to be with me and wanting to make me happy, he isn’t around.
The other day we talked and I offered to not call him anymore if he just wanted to be done with this since I see no future for us. He didn’t agree to that, in fact, he told me he didn’t think I could do it. Damn, he’s right. I want to call him. I want to beg him to come over and take my mind away for a bit.
I won’t. I won’t allow myself to play with him. I know he feels more for me than I ever could for him and it would be so bad of me to continue. I need to stop calling. I need to stop thinking about him. I need to just move on and try to treat him like I would any other neighbor. I need to forget how I feel when he kisses me.
I don’t have the right to use him like I want to. I feel like the biggest of bitches because that is exactly what I want to do. I see this blackness in me and I hate it. Because I’m not all that certain that I want to cut it out. I am fighting a war now. Sink to Bubba’s level for my own kicks or fight it and and just move on. I didn’t know it would be this hard.
Now to find things to occupy my time and thoughts so that Sean doesn’t enter into them at all. I think after work, I’m going to start spring cleaning, even if it isn’t spring. If I fall into bed exhausted each night, I won’t lay there trying to send ESP messages to Sean to come over and snuggle with me.
I feel profoundly broken today.