I’m a Weak, Weak Woman
Well, Sean finally texted me after ten days! (To be fair, he did call a week ago, but when I called him back, he never responded.) I’d gone to bed early last night and was asleep by 9:20. He texted at 9:40 and asked if he could stop by. Groggily, I texted that he could and I was in my room. I was all snuggled in for the night and there was no way I was getting out of my nice warm bed. I also figured this would be a good test of my will power.
He explained his absence by saying that it was his way of not letting us get carried away. Me being alone in the house was too much temptation. I actually don’t buy this but I was too tired to call him on it. I told him that him ignoring me hurt me and I told him what had happened with all the processing Endellion and I had done and that I can actually access and feel the hurt.
I did tell him that there is no “us.” There is only “you” and “me,” no “us.” He seemed fine with that. I’m not going to lie to him and let him believe that something may develop between us someday. I told him that it isn’t going to happen. We aren’t going to have sex, I’m not going to fall for him, we are just going to remain friends.
The entire time we talked, I stayed completely buried under my covers. I knew if I left that protection, I wouldn’t be able to not touch him. I laid there and prayed he’d kiss me, hold me, anything. But I’d told him to behave and he had. He did give me one chaste kiss as he was saying good-night.
I walked him out to the kitchen because I knew Serenity would want to know that I was ok. Then he said he was going to be over the next day to burn a copy of a CD that he wanted. I got up the next morning and texted him. Nothing. I texted in the afternoon and told him that the appropriate response is a freaking response! Nothing. He did finally call in the evening and we talked a bit. He really does think I’m going to change my mind about this. I really don’t.
He told me that this isn’t going to calm down for us until we have sex. I told him that in that case the hormones are just going to continue to burn because it just isn’t going to happen. He is too close already and I won’t hurt him that way. I want nothing beyond the physical. I did tell him if he wanted me to stop calling him to just let me know. I still want whatever physical relationship I can get out of him without it involving sex but I understand that I am using him this way. I told him that I can’t give him what I don’t have to give.
I know the smart thing, the right thing, would be to walk away from this. I know that. But I can’t. I’m a weak, weak woman and I want to have him hold me and kiss me and make me feel like he does. But I want it solely on my terms. It feels absolutely selfish and the only reason I feel that I can continue is that I’m being completely honest with him. I’m not leading him on.
He helps The Lonelies not be as bad. Well, when he isn’t ignoring me. He isn’t around often but when he is, I can pretend for a couple of hours that I’m not totally alone. I think what I need to do is write out a list of my terms and give it to him. Then he’ll know exactly where I stand and he can’t later say, “Well, you didn’t tell me.” I want to be up front and have no misunderstandings.
I want him to take a look at my list and choose to walk away.