I Feel Hurt

The next day, Sean texted while I was at work.  I told him I was busy and asked if we could talk after I got home.  He said he’d love to.  I told him I’d be home by 5:15.

When I got home at 5:10, his truck was gone.  I went about my evening, repeatedly looking out the window to see if he was back.  I’d decided not to text him.  If he couldn’t call or text to let me know he wasn’t showing up, then I wasn’t going to contact him.  Since I’d been up so late the night before I went to bed at 8:00 p.m.  He never called or texted.

I figured he’d call the next day and explain where he was.  He’d have a plausible excuse for blowing me off.  Only, he didn’t call or text.  Endellion and I decided to do shots together that evening, so even if he’d call, I had plans already.  Endellion and I usually have a grand time but that night was different.  Endellion broke down and sobbed.  I broke down and texted.  A few times.  He never answered.

On Saturday, I had a friend over to hang out.  As we were talking, Sean called.  He tried to apologize for the previous night.  I asked him if he meant the night before.  He said no, he meant not responding to my texts the night before.  He’d gone to pick his son up for the weekend and gotten into it with his ex-wife.  By the time he got home he was too exhausted to text.  I told him I had company and I’d call him when she left.  I was true to my word and called him when she left.  I texted.  I have yet to hear from him and that was 24 hours ago.

Last night, Endellion and I chatted again.  I’d fixed something on my car all by myself yesterday so I rewarded myself with a trip to the liquor store.  I’d decided to try Scotch since I’ve never had it.  I poured some into one of those glasses that Luke had bought me and was sipping at it.  I found that I really like Scotch.  I found, also, that different alcohols affect me differently.  Vodka makes me extremely giggly.  Rum sobers me up and makes me a very good listener (yes, I see the irony in alcohol sobering me up).  Scotch mellows me out and just makes everything about me feel liquid.  I felt warm and boneless.  When Endellion first saw me, she squealed delightedly, “You’re high!” I’ve actually never been stoned, but I’m pretty sure I looked like what I’ve always seen portrayed as how the typical high person looks and acts.

Again, I broke down and texted Sean.  I finally texted that I was going to bed to call or text whenever he got this, it didn’t matter what time it was.  I woke up this morning, checked my phone and saw that I had no missed calls or texts.  Suddenly, my chest started aching and I wanted to cry.  I felt something I haven’t felt before and I laid there trying to puzzle out what I was feeling.

Finally, I put a name to it….I felt hurt.  I finally grabbed that ring in the bottom of the jello pool and was holding it firmly in my hand.  I felt hurt!  Then I started to laugh.  What a revelation!  Hurt.  Pure, simple hurt.  And I was feeling every bit of it.  There was no anger, no trying to hold back Fluffy because he knew the hurt was useless and was taking over.  There was only the hurt.

I couldn’t wait for Endellion to get online.  I had to share this with her.  I had no idea how I was going to explain it.  How does one explain how good it feels to hurt?  How does one explain the joy I feel at feeling hurt?

I feel hurt and it is OK that I feel hurt.  If I decide to tell Sean and he feels badly for hurting me, I now understand that I’m not responsible for his feelings too.  It isn’t my job to protect him from my hurt or to try to fix this.  I am simply free to feel hurt by his actions.

When I explained this to Endellion, she got it.  She understands why I was laughing at feeling hurt.  Accessing a brand new emotion is something to rejoice in.  I’ve never felt simple hurt.  It is a revelation to me.

Now to test this.  Can I express this hurt to Sean?  Do I even want to?  How will he react?  I think, if I decide to broach this with him, our discussion will be very telling.  Yes, this is a day-to-day thing but it is still a relationship – we are friends.  I’ll wait until he contacts me.  I will not continue to try to contact him and have him ignore me.

If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.

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3 Comments

  1. Personal opinion, but I’d tell him you were hurt. I’d tell that to someone I was in love with or just a friend. I’m a firm believer in honestly talking and I’ve had too many times I’ve had to be quiet, so I plan to speak my mind to almost everyone(still not going to happen with my spouse usually, but complicated circumstances).

    • I usually do speak my mind. I still find that I have trouble expressing hurt, especially to Sean.

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