Lessons in Men

Well, I did it.  I took a chance.  I wrestled with it and then wrestled some more.  I thought I was being stupid but Endellion kept encouraging me to give it a try.  I knew Sean wasn’t good for me, I knew it was going to end badly.  He has so many of my non-negotiables that I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere but the kissing was amazing! Endellion encouraged me to explore and see where it led me.  I did.  I’ve learned some very important lessons during the past month.

I think the most important lesson that I learned is that I can open myself emotionally to a man and he will not turn around and use his newfound knowledge against me.  I learned that there are men out there who are safe to be vulnerable with.  I can share the depth of who I am and they will not run screaming into the night nor will they turn it around and use it to hurt me even more.

I also learned that I could take a chance and it wouldn’t utterly destroy me if it didn’t work out.  To say things have been rocky would be a gross understatement.  From the beginning of this little adventure I was ready to cut and run.  He wanted a relationship, I surely did not.  That was terrifying to me.  It took every ounce of strength in me not to run and forget he’d ever kissed me.  We agreed to a day-to-day thing and even though that was still scary, I decided to give it a try.

Things with Sean are over.  He blew me off after he was supposed to come over one day after work, he ignored my texts the next evening, after I had to call him back, he continued to ignore me for another two days.  He did text me to wish me a happy day and when I responded he again didn’t respond.  I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore.  He’s spent the better part of 6 days ignoring me.  The kids have been gone this entire time and I haven’t seen him once.  His kids have been with him but they go to bed at 9 p.m.  He could’ve easily called or texted or visited after that.  I don’t know why he chose not to.  I am hurt by his behavior.  I’ve learned how to feel hurt.

I will wait for him to contact me and then I’ll tell him that I’m just done.  I’ll tell him why and then I’ll move on.  I’m worth more than being ignored for an entire week.  I know I can’t see him again right now.  If he gets within five feet of me, my brain will shut down and I’ll end up in his arms.  I know that.  I can accept that chemistry is in charge when he’s near me.  I understand that I’m not strong enough right now to fight against what part of me wants to do so badly.  I need to make a clean break and that won’t happen right now if we are in close proximity.

I took a chance and I got some really good make-out sessions out of it.  I learned that I’m a very passionate woman and I enjoy my sexuality.  Well, I enjoy it up to a point.  Right now, I’m very glad Sean turned down my Friends With Benefits (FWB) proposal.  After trying to sleep in the same bed last week it became very clear to me that I do not feel entirely safe with Sean.  I think it stems from the unreliability but deep down, I know he isn’t good for me.  With Luke, I was absolutely sure, I felt absolutely safe.  Sean still feels dangerous to me.  (Did I ever mention that a few weeks after I met Sean, I set the first 16 seconds of this song as his ringtone on my phone?)

All this time I’ve been saying that I want to get married again, I want to be a wife again.  I really think that is no longer the case.  Yes, I want sex.  Yes, I want someone to share my life with.  Yes, I want a partner.  But I don’t think I want that to be in the shape of a marriage.  In all the thinking I’ve been doing lately about relationships I’ve come to understand that I still equate marriage with slavery.  I still look at it as a man having ownership papers of me.  I know that isn’t true.  But deep down, that is where I’m at.  I will NOT give up my freedom.  I will not be tied down.  I will not answer to a man ever again.

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and men during the past month. Mostly, I understand that I’m not nearly as healed as I believed before this month started.  There are a ton of issues I still need to work on.  I will tackle them.  I’m not sure when but I will get there eventually.

Until then I’m perfectly content to keep on keeping on.  I have acknowledged my feelings of fear about getting into another relationship and my hurt that things with Sean didn’t work, I can accept that it is ok to hurt and to retreat for awhile.  I will await life’s next chapter.

While I wait, I will continue to move forward on this healing journey.  One foot in front of the other, sometimes plodding along, sometimes dancing and skipping.  One thing is for sure though, there is never a dull moment.

Lessons in Men is anything but boring.

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