The Exchange and a Late Night
Sean told me he’d try to go with me to take the kids to their dad. I knew it would be a late night and I hate driving at night. The kids and I were packing up the car and I saw Sean get into his car and drive away. I figured he’d decided not to go with us, but it stung that he didn’t bother telling me this.
He texted about 30 minutes after we left to ask if we’d left yet. I told him I left when I said I’d leave (well, 10 minutes late since Serenity was running behind). He explained that he’d had to get to his doctor’s office to pick up a prescription but had meant to get back to go along with us. Yeah, right. I don’t know what reality he lives in, but that usually takes longer than ten minutes!
I decided that it was worthless to get upset because this is typical Sean. I made the trip alone because, frankly, I don’t have a choice. It ended up not being as bad as I thought it would be. The exchange itself went just like every other one. I sat in the car and didn’t even look at Bubba. The kids said good-bye to me, gave me kisses, got out of the car, shut the doors, and I left. I was home by 9:30 pm.
Sean texted and asked if he could come over. I was so tired and already on my way to bed, so I told him sure. When he walked in the door, I had been just about to turn off the kitchen light and go to bed, so I told him to follow me. When I get tired, I get a little hyper so I was talking a mile a minute. When we got back to my bedroom, I turned around to face him and he took my face in his hands and kissed me like a starving man digs into a buffet. My entire brain shut down and thought became impossible. When the kiss ended, I said, “You just wanted to shut me up.” He said, “I wanted to apologize for not being back in time to go with you. I really wanted to go. And yeah, I wanted you to shut up.” He said this with a wicked little grin so I knew he was teasing me.
I told him I was going to bed and told him to make himself comfortable. He did. We laid in bed and talked. I explained why we wouldn’t be having sex. We made out and we tried to sleep.
After our make-out session, the shakes started again. I could feel my entire body trembling. I don’t know whether Sean could feel that or if he sensed that I was tense. He snuggled up next to me and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Then he started dozing off. And that is when the shit hit the fan.
He twitches in his sleep and he breathes just like Bubba did. I laid there, fighting the urge to jump up and scream at him to GET OUT!!! I knew it was an irrational reaction. I knew it was Sean, it wasn’t Bubba, but I could feel the old terror bubbling up inside me. I refused to give in to it though. I was fighting the reaction for all I was worth. Even though I knew it was irrational and that I was safe with Sean, I could NOT relax enough to go to sleep. I was tense and afraid; sleep would not come.
Sean got up a bit later and went out for a cigarette. I finally dozed but woke up again as soon as he came back to bed. He smelled of cigarettes and it wasn’t pleasant. After another 30 minutes and realizing that I still wasn’t asleep, he got up and said he was going home. As he was sitting on the edge of my bed putting his shoes on, I reached over and rubbed his back. He heaved a sigh and I could hear the pain in his voice when he told me that I’m the first person to show him physical affection like I do.
Sean is as broken as I am. My heart breaks for both of us.