After my walk, I wanted to apologize to Sean. He deserved an apology because I really had been cold on Christmas Eve. I’d also been a bit of a bitch. I texted and asked if I could come over to apologize and he told me in a little bit. He finally got back to me right before I had to get Shane to bed. I told him I only needed a few minutes because I fully expected to walk over there, apologize, and leave. I apologized and told him that I was acting out of hurt. I’d said hi when we’d first gotten there and he’d ignored me. He told me he didn’t hear me. Our entire Christmas Eve dance around each other was because of a misunderstanding. I meant to get up and leave after that.
Instead, I broke down and told him everything I’d figured out on my walk. I cried, for Pete’s sake. I hate revealing that much of myself to people, except Endellion, and I really hate showing it to people I think could use it against me. That would include men. I’m still working to get that message out of my head – vulnerability equals loss of power. It does not. What I was taught all those years is wrong. Life isn’t about power, it is about love and doing right by people, helping others, striving to be a good person. Power has no place in a healthy life.
Sean had been sitting in the recliner on the back patio and I had knelt down in front of him to apologize. When I started crying, he pulled me onto his lap and held me. We talked and I wasn’t there for just a few minutes. I think I was there for an hour.
It is weird for me. It is so easy to talk to him yet I feel so wrong doing it. I didn’t see this demon in me, didn’t recognize it, but now it makes sense why it has always felt wrong to call him. It explains why I couldn’t pick up the phone on Celia’s birthday. I absolutely needed him that day and I could NOT pick up that phone to ask him to be there for me.
It makes so much sense now. I know I need to get back into counseling because I don’t know how to kill this demon on my own. I can’t will it away. I can’t tell myself that it is ok to want and need Sean and believe it. I don’t know how to fight this. My entire brain needs to be rewired. It is one thing to know it in your head but it is another thing to feel it in your gut.
Sean and I have come to an understanding. I asked him where this leaves us and he said taking one day at a time. We get up each morning and take what that day gives us, never thinking past just going to bed that night. I asked if he was ok with that and he said he was fine with it because he knows that anything beyond today is too scary for me.
As I was leaving I told him that I’d decided we wouldn’t be having sex. He seemed rather frustrated with me since I was the one who wanted this to be sex only. I asked him if he wanted to know why and he said no. I told him to call if he changed his mind. He lasted all of five minutes before he texted and asked why. I texted him after Shane fell asleep but he never responded. I’m thinking he fell asleep watching t.v., waiting for me to call.
I know what he feels for me is well and beyond what I feel for him. I don’t trust my body right now. What if I’m consenting to this day to day thing simply to get sex? I don’t want to use Sean. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s admitted that he cares deeply for me and hinted around that it goes beyond that. He isn’t ok with a Friends With Benefits (FWB) situation and for me, right now, that is still all it would be for me. I simply can’t do that to him.
He did explain to me why he doesn’t want FWB with me. He said that the way he feels about me means it wouldn’t be just sex. He’d be making love with me and he wants me to feel the same way. As he was explaining that, I decided that sex wouldn’t be a good thing to do right now. I don’t feel that way about him. I can’t trust myself not to keep myself distant from him emotionally if I was getting what I wanted sexually. I also don’t trust myself not to equate sex with forever. If I started to do that, I know I’d cut and run. I already have one foot on this side of cut and run. I’m still unsure. I still don’t know that I won’t since I’ve been trying to do it for weeks now.
For now, I’ll take it one day at a time. There is no commitment on either of our parts. I will not rule out dating other men. He is free to date other women.
This is what I need to do right now.