The Party and The Great Big Realization
The children and I went to the party at Sean’s Mom’s house. When I got there, I said hi to Sean and he barely acknowledged me. I figured that I’d just stay out of his way and have fun socializing with everyone else. Sara and I spent a large portion of the evening together. She’s such a great kid.
I felt so awkward the entire evening. We circled each other and stayed out of each other’s way. I spent some time talking to his ex-mother-in-law (she’d brought his kids over and stayed for the party). She’s a nice lady. All in all, I had a really good time except the fact that all I wanted to do was walk over and put my head on Sean’s shoulder and have him tell me it was all going to be ok.
As I was getting ready to leave and saying good-bye to everyone, Sara was trying to wipe her powdered-sugar coated lips on my shirt. I was tickling her to try to get her away from me. Sean walked up and put icing on my nose then on her nose. I thought, “You fucking ignore me all evening and now you want to play?” I wiped the icing off with my middle finger then slowly sucked it off. He turned around and practically ran away. I thought, “Consider yourself out-played.”
When we got home, I was busy getting Shane ready for bed then getting things done around the house. He texted me to tell me good-night and I didn’t respond. I was busy and didn’t feel like dealing with whatever that was going to bring up.
This morning, he sent another kiss-off text. Really? I thought we’d had this conversation before. I told him I was busy last night. He told me that was no reason to be cold. I told him I’d never felt like this and that I was pretty fucking lost. He told me I was doing a pretty good job of being cold and that I was the one with an attitude and if this is how I was going to act then he’d rather not see or talk to me again.
At that point, I had to get out of the house. Dinner was in the oven and I was free for a bit. I texted and told Sean that I needed to get out of the house and he was welcome to join me on my walk. I didn’t hear from him, so I went walking alone, listening to my iPod. The thing about walking that I’d forgotten is that it gives me entirely too much time to think. As I was walking, I kept thinking about how Sean had said a couple of times that he didn’t want to hide this because he wasn’t ashamed. I never responded to that.
What I realized on my walk was that it isn’t him that I’m ashamed of. It is me. I’m ashamed of me. I’m ashamed of the fact that I want him. I’m ashamed of the fact that I need him. And yes, I need him. I need him for tons of little things in my life. I needed him the day I moved my washing machine in and realized I’d attached the hoses wrong and couldn’t get the one undone. I needed him to hook up my VCR. I needed him to hold me when I had a complete melt-down on Celia’s birthday. And now I find myself wanting him. Wanting him to hold me, to kiss me. Wanting him to watch a movie, share dinner, share himself, and yes, allow me to share myself. And yet, there is such deep shame in me for wanting, for needing.
You see, as I’ve discussed before, Celia taught me well that it is not good to want or need anyone. I grew up hearing, “Oh, I’ll do it myself!” with such a martyr attitude that I deeply internalized it. You can count on no one. You shouldn’t have to count on anyone. You are all you need. You are the only one you can count on. You are the only one you should ever want or need. And if you do admit to wanting or needing someone, you are somehow defective.
And there was my great aha! moment of my walk. Deep down, I know I’m defective. I did so much work to heal during the past year and a half that I really didn’t think I had any deep, dark, buried issues remaining. I knew that I still needed to work on some of the sexual stuff and definitely the spiritual stuff, but all in all I thought I’d made such amazing progress. To realize today that there is so much more ick so very deeply buried in me is scary beyond all imagining.
For me to admit that I want or need anyone is something that I was shown from a young age is the height of horrificness is going to take strength that I’m not sure I possess. Am I strong enough to look Sean in the eye and tell him that I want him in my life, that I need him in my life? Am I strong enough to stop being the fatalist that Endellion tells me I am and see the possibilities in this instead of the million and one reasons I’ve already found that will doom us before we begin?
I don’t think I have that strength because all I can see is the defectiveness in me. I see how very wrong Celia was in teaching me that needing anyone is an unforgivable sin. Yet, I feel defective down to my core. I feel wrong. I feel broken. I don’t know how to fix it and make those feelings go away. They are such a part of me that I’m not sure I’ll ever root out feeling as if I’m just wrong.
Is it fair to drag Sean into this? I remember telling him, a few weeks after meeting him that he can’t appreciate how very fucked up I am.
Now, I’m not even sure I can appreciate how fucked up I am.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ First Year Divorced ♦ FOO (Family of Origin)
- Tagged: crazy, defective, desire, emotional abuse, emotions, family, Family of Origin, fault, feelings, healing, help, hurt, insanity, marital rape, need, parents, realization, Sean, self-sufficient, sexual abuse, strong, want, weak