I Told Him

Sean popped in last night.  We had a few minutes alone and I told him that I am not willing to try a relationship.  It is either Friends With Benefits (FWB) or nothing.  I’m not willing to budge, he’s not willing to budge.  We find ourselves at an impasse.  It thoroughly sucks.  I told him that I’m healthy enough to recognize that I’m unhealthy in this respect.

We were sitting at the kitchen table when I told him and looking into his beautiful blue eyes, all I wanted to do was put my hands on his cheeks and kiss him good-bye.

I can’t be friends with him.  He kissed me and it flipped a switch in me.  I want sex.  I can’t think of him as just a friend when I know we both want each other but what we need from each other are completely different things.  I can’t be his friend and want him physically at the same time.

Tonight, the kids and I are going to a party at his mom’s house.  She invited me over weeks ago.  I genuinely like his mom, so I’ll suck it up, put on my big girl panties, put on my “bitch face”, and get through it.

Endellion is telling me that she can hear the deadness in my voice and hates it because I’ve fought too hard to heal.  Right now, numb and dead is what I need to do to get through this.  I need to shut my heart away where I won’t jeopardize it again.  I’m not ready.  I may never be ready.  Until I’m in a better place, I’m going to lock my heart away.  I’m going to try my best to avoid men.  I’m not going to go so far as to try to get back to being convinced I’m going to remain manless for a year.  We all learned that God hears that, laughs, and sends some guy to kiss you.  Instead, I’ll just say that my heart is locked away in a protected place.  I’m not open to anything right now.

And I’ll be ok.  I always am.  There is no other choice.  I don’t have the time or luxury to give in to the pain.

I’ll push it aside and continue taking care of myself and my children.



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