I’m a Coward A.K.A. It’s Time to Cut and Run

I called Sean last night to see if he wanted to watch a movie. He said there was a football game starting in an hour that he wanted to watch, so I asked him if he wanted to come over to talk.  He told me he’d come over at 8:00.  I decided to not hold my breath because we all know Sean flakes out on me often.

He actually showed up when he said he would.  We sat on the porch and talked.  He’s not willing to do Friends With Benefits (FWB) because he’s done it before and it ended badly.  He wants me to not be confused about this whole thing and to be sure when I make a decision.  I told him I was scared and he said that is letting the past win.

I asked him if I could watch part of the game with him and he told me to come on over.  I ended up telling him that he owed me a kiss every time his team got a touchdown.  I’m sneaky that way.  I did a few things for his mom while I was there and we almost got busted again.  So far, no one in his family knows what is going on and I’d like to keep it that way.  It was just nice to hang out with him even with sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I woke up this morning, knowing in my soul that I can’t do this.  I’m healthy enough to admit that in this area, I’m unhealthy.  I’m too afraid to take a chance and I won’t hurt him like that.  It isn’t fair to him to tell him I’ll try when really, the only thing I’m trying to get is sex.  I can’t do that to him.

This is really crappy timing, but it is time for me to admit that I’m a coward and to tell him that.  It is time to cut and run.  I’m going to tell him that I simply can’t do this, I can’t be around him, wanting him physically like I do and knowing that if we continue down this path, he’s going to get hurt.  I can’t torture myself with wanting something he isn’t willing to give.  I’m going to go back to my original terms and tell him that the only thing I’m willing to do is FWB.  He can take it or leave it, but I can’t do the moving slowly into a relationship thing.

It’s time for me to suck it up, realize I’m alone and that is my choice, accept it, and move on.  I can do this alone.

No, it isn’t the ideal but it is the way things have to be right now.

Advertisements

6 Comments

  1. In a way I think he’s right and you’re letting your past win. I will agree with a past history of abuse it can be hard to sort things out and take time though. It’s wise not to rush into things, but don’t guard your heart so much you’re never willing to open it up. Best wishes, no matter your choices.

    • It is so hard to find the balance! Where is line between being cautious and guarding too much? I simply don’t know.

  2. Has it occurred to either of you that what you cuurently have *is* FWB? You just haven’t yet included intercourse in the list of benefits. And I think Sean is right – it’s not working. And I think you’re right – you’re not ready. And none of it is any of my business so I’ll butt out, now.

    • No, that actually hadn’t occurred to me. You are right. In a sense that is exactly what it is. Wow. You’ve rather rocked my world this morning.

Trackbacks

  1. I Told Him | Hope Wears Heels
  2. The Apology | Hope Wears Heels

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: