The Shit Hit the Fan

Sean and I sneaked out to the laundry room to talk a couple nights ago after the boys went to sleep.  We’d talked previously about our relationship getting complicated and I needed to define what was happening.  I’d spent a lot of time thinking about what I want.  I want to remain friends and I want sex.  That’s it.  Those are my terms for this.  I went into it knowing that I could potentially lose a friend over this because he has every right to not accept my terms.  I’d rather he refuse me now than wait until after we’re sleeping together then change his mind.

Since he’s been sick he has refused to kiss me or even breathe on me.  He doesn’t want me or the kids sick.  Still, we couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves for very long and that is totally my fault.  I can admit that.  I had to touch him.  I had to hug him.  I had to be held.

I started out asking Sean what he wants and he just said that he knew it wasn’t possible so he wanted to know what I want.  I told him that I want Friends With Benefits (FWB).  He then told me he isn’t willing to be FWB.  I was stunned.  I really, honestly never saw that coming.  I really thought he’d be ok with it.  Thinking about it now, I’m very confused because like I’ve said, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.  If he doesn’t want FWB, what’s going on?  He said he wants all of me, not just sex.  Maybe he thinks if we keep making out that it will turn into more.

I thought we were safe out in the laundry room.  Serenity was at a function and she never gets home before 9:30 when she goes to these things.  That night, I heard her outside at 8:30.  We stayed in there another 15 minutes because, selfishly, I couldn’t let Sean go.  When we finally left, I walked around the corner to go into the house and Serenity was sitting on the porch.  That made it hard for Sean to walk across the street when she refused to come in the house.

I came in the house because he texted to ask why she wouldn’t go in.  I’d sat down at my computer to chat with Endellion and Hannah sent me an IM asking me if I was doing Sean.  I told her I wasn’t.  She asked me if I was messing around with him and since I was chatting with Endellion, I didn’t answer her right away.  She took that to mean I was avoiding the question and said that was suspicious and asked again.  I told her I was a little bit.  Serenity had texted her to find out what was going on.  Serenity told her she didn’t care what I did, she just didn’t want to be lied to.

Serenity finally came in the house after about five minutes.  Sean snuck home.  I decided to talk to Serenity about it since I knew I was busted anyway.  I told her, “Serenity, I haven’t lied to you.  Sean and I were outside talking.  If we do ever do anything more than talk, it is really none of your business.”  We got into a huge fight because she is under the mistaken impression that I need to tell her everything I do and if I don’t, I’m lying to her. We got so loud that we woke the boys up.  I got them settled and tried to talk to Serenity some more but she asked me to leave her alone.  I honored that and went to bed.

Five minutes later she came into my room and asked me to help her breathe.  She was in the beginning of a full-blown panic attack. You see, when Bubba and I were married, Serenity figured out that what happened in our bedroom was not something good.  She knew Bubba was hurting me.  She spent the past few years of our marriage going to bed late and then sometimes pretending to sleepwalk or have nightmares (along with all of the very real ones) so that I wouldn’t have to be alone in the bedroom with Bubba.  She had effectively set herself up as my protector and I never even knew this.

Now she was being confronted with the fact that I was once again with a man behind closed doors.  It was bringing back all kinds of memories and as we know, PTSD is a bitch.  I finally helped her calm down enough that we could talk a bit.  She said, “I know Sean isn’t Dad.  I know Sean isn’t Dad.  I know Sean isn’t Dad.”  I asked her if I was the same woman I was when I was married to her dad.  She said I wasn’t.  I told her, “Then you need to believe that I can take care of myself.  If Sean ever did anything that I didn’t want him to do, I would kick his ass.  I am strong enough now to take care of myself.  You don’t need to protect me anymore.”

She did ask that I just don’t do anything with Sean when they are home.  I said to her, “Do you know what you are asking me?”  She thought for a moment and then said, “I’m selfish.  I’m asking you to not have a life, to not find happiness.”  She knows it isn’t fair and I told her that she doesn’t get to ask me that.  I also told her that no matter what happens or doesn’t with Sean, her and her brothers will always come first.  I will never shut Sean and myself in my bedroom and then ignore them.  Even before Sean and I talked and he decided he can’t do FWB, we’d both decided that we wouldn’t have sex with the kids in the house.  She doesn’t have to worry about me not being able to answer the door if any of them knock.

Serenity has good instincts about people.  She is rarely wrong.  I think the problem with Sean is that she can’t get a clear vibe from him.  Sometimes she thinks he’s a good guy and other times she thinks he’s a bad guy.  I told her that deep down, he is a really good guy but he has issues just like the rest of us.  I believe that he would cut off his right arm before he would hurt me on purpose.

Serenity has just seen how hurt I get when he disappears on me.  She sees how sad it makes me that he doesn’t make me a priority.  What neither of us has understood is that I have no right to ask that he makes me a priority in his life.  I have no claim on him and unless I change my mind on that, he owes me nothing.

I finally talked her into laying down beside me and going to sleep.  Instead, when I turned off the light she really started talking.  She told me things she knew about Bubba and how he treated me that I didn’t imagine she knew.  I am back to hating Bubba for what he did to me because it extends so far beyond what he did to me – he did it to Serenity too simply because his lack of discretion showed her exactly what he was doing to me.  She knows he was raping me.  She knows I didn’t want to be in that bedroom with him and she knows that I was doing it solely to keep the peace.

I hate that he did this shit to all of us.  I hate that my daughter’s innocence was stripped away by a selfish bastard who used sex as a weapon against me.  She was simply collateral damage to him.  For right now, I will sit here and hope his dick just falls off.  I hope he dies a painful, horrible death.  I’ll give myself an hour to let myself feel these things toward him.  Then I’ll put him back where he belongs – in the past, out of my head.  As unimportant to me as if he’d never existed.  And once again, I’ll clean up the mess he made because I’m strong and I love my children more than anything.

I will continue to take care of my children because that’s what I do.

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    1. I’m a Coward A.K.A. It’s Time to Cut and Run | Hope Wears Heels
    2. The Resolution | Hope Wears Heels

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