Body Recall

Since things are getting hot and heavy with Sean, I decided to go back into research mode.  For some reason, being with Luke was so very different.  I trusted him completely and the issues that Bubba caused didn’t enter the picture except when we tried a possibly triggery position.  Even then I was able to stay anchored to Luke and the spectre of what Bubba had done to me was effectively put to rest.  Maybe it is because we jumped into bed so quickly that I didn’t have a chance to think too much.  Maybe it was that we’d discussed it so much that I was mentally and physically prepared before he ever got here.

What happened with Sean hit me out of the blue.  I didn’t see it coming.  Now we are moving slowly because it took us both by surprise.  He is exploring my body in a way that Luke didn’t.  There is so much more potential for triggering because Sean is so new to my life.  I’ve only known him for 7 months.  We’ve had some really rocky moments.  Trust has been built, broken, and repaired in those months.  In the time that I’ve known Sean, I’ve grown in leaps and bounds.  I’m not the same woman I was seven months ago.

I found a website about sex after sexual assault and rape.  The author states, “Even if your mate has problems with memory gaps filtering out their traumatic experiences, that person’s body will remember.”  I can attest to that.  When Sean was scratching my back and moved too close to my breasts, I stopped breathing.  I had been so thoroughly enjoying getting my back scratched that I couldn’t have seen that coming, but it happened.  I froze; I stopped breathing.  My body remembered that touch.  Even though it was Sean touching me, my body couldn’t differentiate between Bubba and Sean.  It just knew that it felt threatened because of past experiences.

After Sean had paid such special attention to my breasts and tummy, I got the shakes.  I was shaking so badly and I still don’t understand why.  I don’t know whether it was a good reaction or a bad reaction.  All I know is that my entire body was shaking and although he didn’t say anything about it, Sean just held me.  He seems in tune with me.  He seems to know and just understand what I need, sometimes before I do.  He pays attention to me and how I’m responding.

I’m worried about this body recall.  I was worried about going to the Happy Place with Luke.  I’m not worried about it with Sean.  I didn’t go away when I was with Luke and I can’t even see the Happy Place in my head anymore.  I am confident that the Happy Place does not exist any longer.  But I am concerned about just freezing.  I don’t want that to happen.

I know enough about self-talk that I hope I can remember to do that.  Last week when I froze, my mind went blank and I couldn’t even do my self-talk.  Sean did it for me.  He hugged me and spoke gently to me, telling me, “Hope.  It’s ok.  It’s Sean.  You’re ok.”  How did he know that is what I needed?

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of this chemistry.  I’m not afraid of falling for him.  There are so many things about him that I just can’t live with.  He smokes.  He’s afraid of my child.  He is unreliable.  I need more than just chemistry.  I just can’t fight the chemistry.  At this point, I don’t want to.  My body is screaming for his.  It makes no rational sense.

I just hope the body recall doesn’t take over.

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