Danger, Will Robinson!!!!!

Sean and I decided that we needed to talk.  He’d said we need to go slowly or things were going to get complicated.  I told him things already were complicated.  We decided to take a walk and talk after I got Shane to bed.  Since my brain shuts down when he’s within 5 feet of me, I thought taking a walk through the neighborhood would help me think.

I called Sean as soon as Shane fell asleep to see if he still wanted to go.  He said I had horrible timing because he’d just gotten a call about doing something for the business he’s trying to start.  We talked on the phone for a few minutes.  I told him that I’d let him go because what he had to do was important.  He said, “But you’re important too.”

He brought up the complication issue.  He said he wants to go slowly to give our children a chance to get used to this.  Immediate warning bells and sirens started screaming in my head.  What?????  Our children????  We are in Dirty Little Secret status here, there is no involving our children!  He said he wants to be able to kiss me when he wants without worrying about what people will think.

He wants to bring this into the open.  He asked me what Serenity would say if he called her up and asked if he could take me to dinner.  I told him she’d say the same thing to him that she said to her dad when he asked if Sean was my boyfriend at the beginning of summer, “Fuck no!”  He said, I’ll just call her now and find out if she’d say that because I don’t think she will. NO!!!  No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I told him I’m not ready for that now.  No, you can’t tell Serenity about this.  NO!  Just no!

The more he talked the more panicky I felt.  He sees this as so much more than I do.  I’m looking for a Friends with Benefits situation.  I’m looking for sex, period.  That’s it.  I don’t want to date him. I don’t want to be his girlfriend.  I want to stay friends and have a wonderful Dirty Little Secret.  I want stolen kisses and stolen moments.  Like Sunday evening.

I’d made bread and decided to take a loaf of it across the street.  When I walked in, he was sitting in the lower living room.  I put the bread on the kitchen table and he crooked his finger at me.  I whispered, “No!  Who is here?”  He said just his brother-in-law but he was on the back porch.  I couldn’t resist and went over for a kiss.  I’d just started falling into it when I heard the back door open.  I immediately moved away and started talking about the bread I’d dropped off as I moved to the door.  He said, “Thanks! I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”  I said, “Sure!  Have a good night.”

Maybe this is so good because it’s a secret.   There is an element of danger here that could be spicing things up.  Although, if I’m honest, I don’t think so.  I feel the electricity shoot through me when he touches me.  It’s been like that since this summer.  I thought it was that I was so touch starved.  Now I think it just has everything to do with the fact that it is Sean doing the touching.

I did not feel like this when Luke touched me.  Not even a little bit.

This is getting dangerous.

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