Getting in Deeper and Deeper

Arcadia and I went to see a musical at a local church last night.  Afterward, we went to a friend’s house for a get-together.  We had a really nice time.  The host of the party asked if I’d like a drink so I asked Arcadia if she would mind driving home.  She said she didn’t have a problem with it, so I asked what he was serving.  He offered to make me a special kind of martini.  It was a really delicious drink but it was strong!  I told our host that it was strong and he said, “But it’s just two shots of vodka and two shots of Kahlua!”  Oh yeah, by the time I was done with that drink, I wasn’t feeling any pain.

I texted Sean.  Told him that martinis are really good!  I also told him that my lips felt amazing.  When I drink, my lips and my tongue tingle.  I am a very curious person by nature and I’ve really been wanting to find out how it feels to kiss someone when I’m drinking.

Arcadia and I decided it was time to head home and we got back to my place a bit after midnight.  Sean had stopped responding to my texts and I was getting a little miffed.  I stood in my kitchen and talked to Serenity and Sara for a bit.  When Andy buzzed through to head home, I told him to tell his father that he was on my shit list.  I then told the three of them good-night and headed to bed.  I took my pjs off and crawled in to bed.

A few minutes later, I heard my bedroom door opening and figuring it was one of the kids, rolled over and said, “What do you want?”  Sean answered, “I want to not be on your shit list.”  He came over to my side of the bed, sat down, leaned over me, and gave me a hug.  He told me that he’d set his phone down and forgot where he set it so he didn’t get my last few texts.  I asked him to go around and lay down beside me because it was difficult to breathe with him laying across me like that.

He walked around the bed and laid down beside me.  I was naked (except for my underwear) under the covers and he was laying on top of the covers.  He explained that he’d misplaced his cell phone and we talked a bit.  I told him about the party and how much fun I’d had.  It was just nice to snuggle with him.

He pulled the covers away from me and started scratching my back.  It felt so good.  I asked him if he liked scratching my back and he said he really did.  He told me I have the softest skin he’s ever felt.  It is still amazing to me that there are people out there who enjoy scratching backs.  I know I do but Bubba had me convinced that I was weird for enjoying scratching the kids’ backs and for wanting my back scratched.  Now here was a man who was genuinely enjoying this.

He moved his hand toward my side and close to my breast.  I froze.  I just stopped moving because my world seemed to stop.  I’ve tried to pull out the emotion of what I was feeling but the truth is, there was no emotion there.  There was just freezing.  Sean noticed immediately and pulled the covers up over my back and shoulders and hugged me.  He said, “Hope.  You are ok.  This is Sean.  What happened?  Are you ok?”  I gulped in air and realized that I’d forgotten to breathe.  I was shaking and I had trouble breathing again because I kept holding my breath without meaning to.

He said, “You don’t trust me.  Because you haven’t known me for 26 years, you don’t trust me.  It’s not your fault.”  It wasn’t until about 12 hours later that I realized what he’d said.  I think he has some resentment or something going on about Luke.  I’m going to have to talk to him about it because what I had with Luke is totally separate and different than what I have with Sean.  Luke will always, always be special to me.  I’ve given up trying to consider how to get that piece of my heart back from Luke because I don’t want it back.  It was a gift to Luke, given freely.  If Sean and I are going to move forward with our physical relationship, he’s going to have to accept this.

It also took 12 hours and talking to Endellion before I realized what the trigger was.  After I calmed down, I untucked my arm and gave Sean a hug.  We kissed again and as he had his hand on my face, I angled my body away from him in invitation.  I wanted to feel his hand on my breast.  His hand moved down and I didn’t have any negative reaction to it at all.  As I was talking to Endellion later, it hit me.  When he got too near my breast after having been scratching my back, it triggered memories of Bubba making me pay for any back scratching I could beg from him.  If he scratched my back, he felt that he had a right to reach around and grab my boobs.  Sean coming at it from that angle just triggered that freeze reflex in me.  When he approached my breasts from the front, moving his hand down from my face, it didn’t trigger me.

Oh the feeling of Sean touching me!  After he’d played with my breasts for a moment, he started kissing his way down my neck.  When his mouth enveloped my nipple, I saw stars.  The pleasure was intense.  I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like that before in my life.  Sean has a goatee and I really like the feel of his whiskers tickling over my nipples.  I liked everything that he did.

He kissed his way down to my stomach.  I never thought of my stomach as an erogenous zone before but even being kissed there sent off fireworks in my head.  He got a little too close to the waistband of my panties and that is when the panic hit.  I told him to stop and he did.  He came right back up to feast on my mouth once again.

We talked alot between the kisses.  He is very confident about his abilities.  At one point, a few months ago, we’d been talking and he told me that he could guarantee that he could make me cum in under 2 minutes using nothing but his mouth.  I blushed deeply and told him to stop.  It was during one of those late-night on the porch chats.  I don’t know what brought the topic up but when he said that was when I started to wonder if he was a good kisser.  I think that was the beginning of the end for me.

I playfully said, “You’re very confident, aren’t you?”  He said he was. I then told him I wasn’t.  I said, “What if I’m really bad at this?”  He said, in his thick Southern drawl, “Honey, if the way you gasp and moan when I touch you is any indication, you are going to be amazing at this.”  I was very glad it was dark in the room because I could feel the blush spreading all over my body.

My problem is that I’m insanely curious.  My curiosity is going to get me in trouble one of these days and I’m pretty sure that day is right around the corner.  Had he been a bad kisser, I could’ve dismissed this.  I could’ve told myself that if he was bad at kissing my mouth, he’d be equally bad at kissing other things.  The trouble is that I found out he is an amazingly good kisser.

I’m in deep and I don’t know what to do about it.

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    1. How Did I Not See This? « Hope Wears Heels
    2. Body Recall | Hope Wears Heels
    3. The Shit Hit the Fan | Hope Wears Heels

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