Disappearing Acts and Zings
I’d asked Sean to watch a movie with me Friday night. I’d texted a few times Thursday and he didn’t answer any of them. Finally, Friday afternoon he texted. He said he thought he’d be over to watch the movie and he’d let me know by 5. I knew, just knew, that it wasn’t going to happen.
I got Shane in bed at 7 and took a bubblebath. I wanted to smell good just in case he did, by some miracle, show up. While I was in there, Andy called. He and Sara were here for the weekend. I told him that I’d be watching the movie and both of them were invited to watch it with me. I told him I’d call him when I was ready.
I called Andy once I’d dried my hair but he said they were going to watch a movie with their aunt instead. I still hadn’t heard from Sean, even though he was finally home. Since he wasn’t coming over, I decided to call Endellion on Skype and have some vodka. After two shots, I decided to go read for a bit and go to sleep. I was not in the mood to watch the movie by myself.
I slept until midnight. When I didn’t immediately fall back to sleep, I got up and talked to Serenity while I scrubbed my stove. The vodka was still doing its work and since I still had a ton of pent-up sexual energy, I thought it was a wise decision to scour my stove in the middle of the night. It took 45 minutes and a ton of elbow grease but my stove looks brand new. Serenity and I had an amazing conversation.
She was questioning why I seemed upset with Sean. I told her about him standing me up and that I’d looked forward to snuggling on the couch with him to watch a movie. When she looked at me like I’d lost my mind I told her that I need someone to snuggle with who hadn’t come out of my vagina. I told her that I love snuggling with her and the boys but it just isn’t the same and she’ll understand as she gets older that sometimes, you just want a man to snuggle up to. I’m pretty sure she still thinks I’m nuts but I think she understands where I’m coming from.
Sean finally made an appearance today since his kids have been over here all day. (Have I ever mentioned how much I love his kids????) The first time he came in, he wanted Andy to run an errand with him. As he walked around the kitchen table, I walked to the other side, avoiding a potential for physical contact with him. After he’d told Andy that they were leaving, he walked behind me and scratched my back. I kept telling myself that after his disappearing acts, I shouldn’t allow him to touch me, but it felt so good. I just closed my eyes and enjoyed the touch.
After their errand, Andy came back to hang out with the kids. Sean again came over to get the kids because their grandfather was there and wanted to take them for a bite to eat. He was looking down the hallway, waiting for the kids to come out of Serenity’s bedroom and I peeked over his shoulder to see what child was standing in front of him. It was one of Shane’s friends since he’d had a few friends over for the afternoon. Sean turned around and took a step toward me, staring at my lips. I know he was going to try to sneak a kiss in so I said, “There are children everywhere. Behave yourself.” He said he didn’t have to anymore so I just put my hands on my hips and tapped my toe at him. But having him that close, with that attitude made my whole body light up.
I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to feel those sparks shoot all through my body.
I walked him out and told him I would be home around 11 if he wanted to come over for some of the cake I’d made. He seemed surprised and asked where I was going. I told him I was going to a friend’s house because she was having a party. He said we’d see.
What am I doing? I know this is a bad idea. There is no question in my mind that this will end badly. Yet, I’m on this path. He will blow me off and I’ve come to expect it. From here on out, I will have no expectations of him at all. If and when he shows up, I’ll take what comfort I can in his arms and not feel guilty for it. I’m also not going to think about the future. I’ll take it one day at a time.
I won’t rely on him for any emotional support.