The Fallout

I finally let Sean go home Saturday night, I mean Sunday morning.  He mentioned the time a couple of times and each time he did, I tightened my arm around him and asked him to stay.  At 3:30 am, we both saw the wisdom of him going home and both of us getting some sleep.  We obviously weren’t going to get any sleep together.

Sunday, Serenity and I were shelling pecans on the porch when he popped over after church.  Since we’d decided the night before that no one was to know about this (except Endellion because he knew I’d have to share it with her), we both played it cool.  No sooner had he sat down than he heard his mother call him from across the street.  He said he was going to go see what she wanted and he’d be back.

About 15 minutes later, his mother came over and sat down to talk to us.  At this point, I was wondering where he went because when he left he said that he was going to go over and spend some time with his mother.  Ugh.  It was less than 12 hours and he’d started disappearing again.

Serenity left to spend some time with her friends so Sean’s mother and I hung out on my porch and she helped me shell pecans.  We talked and just enjoyed sitting on the porch in the nice weather.

With all the pent up sexual energy I had going on, I got a lot done around the house.  I did four loads of laundry, cooked dinner, shelled pecans, swept the floor, did the grocery shopping, and scrubbed the bathroom.

Sean finally called in the evening.  I asked if he was going to come over and he said he was watching a movie.  I told him I was going to go in and take a bubblebath.  I’d decided to have a relaxing bath and a “date” with myself.

I’d just sat in the tub and started relaxing in the hot water when my phone rang.  It was Sean.  He said, “Don’t freak out…..” which always makes me laugh.  He says this just before he’s going to tell me something that is going to freak me out.  It is almost his way of dealing with someone he views as a skittish horse.  Just as one would try to sooth and settle that untrusting horse, I’ve come to learn that “Don’t freak out….” is going to lead to something that I may not be totally comfortable with.  “Don’t freak out but I’m in your kitchen.”  Oh.  That I could handle.  I had the bathroom door locked so I felt safe.

He said that he’d forgotten that I was going to take a bath and only remembered when he heard the water running.  I was so thankful I’d locked the door because my first thought was to invite him in.  I had enough bubbles to cover everything but I knew it would be a supremely bad idea to invite him into the bathroom while I was in the bath.

He said he was going to run to McDonald’s then come back.  He told me to take my time and enjoy my bath.  I should’ve known that him saying he’d be back meant that I wouldn’t see him again for a long time.

I got out of the bath and laid in bed to read.  I waited.  And waited. And waited some more.  At 9:30 I finally gave up, took my pjs off, turned off the light, and tried to sleep.  By that time I knew he’d poofed.  He wasn’t coming to visit.  And I was pissed off enough that if he did, he deserved the eyeful of naked Hope he’d get if he did show up.  I’d waited for him long enough that I was too tired to have my “date.”

I now have a good mad going.  He hasn’t called or texted or shown up since he said he was going to McDonald’s and would be back.  Seriously?  He couldn’t call or text and explain that he wasn’t coming back?

It is one thing to have a Dirty Little Secret.  I get that.  We are each other’s DLS.  I’m totally ok with that.  But if you say, “I’ll be back.” then come the fuck back!  Or call.  Or text.  I need reliability.  I don’t need to see him all the time.  I don’t want to date him.  I don’t want anything serious.  Honestly, I want a fuck buddy.  But even a DLSFB needs to be reliable.

I just know I can’t do this like this.  At this point,  I want sex so badly that I’m thinking of giving him one more chance to not disappear on me.  The kids leave for their dad’s in 15 days.  I need an explanation for the other evening’s disappearance and I need to know that he won’t do it again.  That type of trust isn’t going to develop in 15 days.  I’m not counting on sex when they are gone.  I’m going to have to think of where I want that boundary to be.  I do want something but full blown sex just isn’t going to happen.

I do want to take this slowly.  I want to enjoy the build up.  Kissing the other day was enough to have me shaking with desire and terror.  It is going to take a long time to get to the point where I’m ready to actually have sex.

This is so different from Luke.  I jumped right into bed with him.  There was no fear at all.  I didn’t have any automatic reactions with him at all.  With Sean, I still am battling my demons.  He had been scratching my back and got too close to my side and I froze.  I need to work through this.  I hate these automatic reactions.  I hate the fear I feel because I know it is fear directed at someone who is no longer in my life.  I will NOT let him win anything over me.

But is Sean the man to help me through this?  If his kissing is any indication, I would like to find out because there is a great possibility that it could be really, really good.

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