An Explanation for Luke
I was feeling very badly about how I’d ended things with Luke. I decided that he deserved an explanation. This is what I sent to him.
It’s been two weeks since I told you that I won’t be texting you anymore. I know it was out of the blue and I know I didn’t give you much explanation. I know if I had been in your shoes, I would’ve been very hurt by the abruptness of the act and I don’t want to hurt you for anything in the world. I want to apologize for how I handled that. I am very sorry.
Now that I’ve had some time to clear my head, I’d like to give you an explanation. I think you deserve one.
Somewhere along the line, I started feeling more for you than just as friends. I let myself daydream about a possible future with you, all the while telling myself that it wasn’t possible. The heart is a funny thing though as it never listens to reason.
All along I’ve said I don’t believe in love anymore, at least not for me. Yet, somewhere in all this, I started giving you pieces of my heart. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m in love with you but I see the danger of it happening because I’ve felt myself falling more and more; I’m on the road to falling in love with you. I see the futility in hoping that we could to be together as anything more than friends if for no other reason than the distance. Yes, I would consider moving but I’m not at a point in my life that that would actually be something I could do within the next few years.
I didn’t want to give you an explanation two weeks ago because I didn’t want to give you that power over me. I didn’t want to reveal how I have started feeling about you because to admit that I’d started falling in love with you would give you the upper hand. Yet, I’ve been thinking about it so much in the past two weeks and had a light bulb moment early yesterday morning.
I realized that I have a very skewed view of what love is. Love is not about power and control the way I’ve learned all those years. Love is a gift. It is a gift to love someone. It is a gift to be able to feel love toward other people.
The real trick comes in when that love is not given back or it is given back in a different way. How do we reconcile loving someone when they don’t feel that way toward us? This is where I’ve been encountering problems because it is painful to love someone who does not feel the same way. This is the real reason I had to stop texting. It became too painful to know that you don’t have the same feelings toward me. I can’t continue to fall in love with you when there is no future for us. It hurts my heart too much at this point.
Because love is a gift, there is no expectation of anything on the receiver’s part. There is no obligation to respond, no expectation of reciprocation, no conditions at all.
I value your friendship. I miss you horribly. I also know that I will work through these feelings and be able to get to a point that I can resume our friendship and have it be just that – a friendship. It will take time.
For now, I’ll let you know how I feel. You are loved. You are special. I’m thankful for you. There are no strings or expectations. It is simply a gift.