Snuggling

I’ve wanted to rewatch When Harry Met Sally for a long time.  In the past, I’ve always agreed with Sally – yes, men and women can be just friends.  I’ve since changed my mind and now I agree with Harry – men and women can’t be friends because sex always gets in the way.  I wanted to rewatch it from this new point of view.

My neighbor owned WHMS on VHS and when I asked her if I could borrow it, she said I could have it!  That evening, I got all comfy on the couch and started watching it.  Sean texted and asked what I was doing.  When I told him I was watching a movie, he asked if he could come watch it with me.  I told him he was welcome to.

We snuggled up on the couch together, not too close as I’d already been half laying down when he got there, but he sat close to my hip and pulled my feet onto his lap.  As we watched the movie, he massaged my right leg.  I just enjoyed it.  I’ve been so touch-starved that I didn’t even think of putting up my huge body boundaries and stopping him.  There was nothing sexual about it so I just enjoyed being touched.

After awhile, he quit and I told him my left leg felt a bit neglected.  He said he couldn’t reach it because of the weird angle we were sitting at so I moved my right leg so he could massage my left leg.

I told Sean how I used to agree with Sally but now agree with Harry.  He asked, “What about your friend – the one who came to visit you over the summer?”  I told him we were definitely not friends.  I told him I’m not exactly sure what we are but we aren’t friends.  I told Sean that Harry was right, sex always gets in the way.  I think Sean wanted to say something about us just being friends, but again, Harry’s Law would prevail.  Sean has made no secret of the fact that he wants to be more than my friend.

It felt good to snuggle up on the couch with Sean.  In one way I feel bad about it because I don’t ever want to lead him on or to have him think that more than friendship could ever be on the table – it can’t be.  But the need to touch and be touched is a great one for me.  Physical touch is my primary love language and it isn’t a need that gets met enough.  I know Sean is a touchy-feely kind of person too.

I look at where I am now and where I was when I moved into this house six months ago.  I can’t believe the difference.  It’s taken a lot of work and time to get this comfortable with Sean.  I’m glad we are to the point we are now.  I’m glad that he can touch me without me freaking out about it and running away.

I still have my armor-plating and force fields around me.  But I’m seeing that I can lower them and bad things don’t happen when I do.  I can lower them on my time and when I feel comfortable lowering them.  I also know that I can put them right back into place and defend them if I need to – at least with Sean.

I think that snuggling might become addicting, if I allow it.  It won’t happen often because the children don’t need to see that and think more is involved than just snuggling.  I just know that I could get used to snuggling up to watch a movie with Sean occasionally.

It doesn’t need to mean anything more than that.

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