Cutting Ties

I did it.  I finally texted Luke and told him I had to stop texting.

Me: I need to take a break from texting.  I broke the rules of FWB and got too emotionally involved.  I need some time/space to work through this.  I’ll be in touch when I’m able.  I hope you understand.

Luke: Rules?  Did I do something to offend?  I’m sorry if I did.  Text when you feel like it.

Me: No, you didn’t do anything wrong.  I just want impossible things and I just need to work through this.

Luke: Ok.  Please know I’m always here for you.

The thing is, though, he is only there in a text-only way.  This all goes back to “I want more.”  He doesn’t.  He’s content with the detached, text only, non-definable relationship we’ve had.  It’s no longer enough for me.

I know that we never went a day without texting each other before he came to visit.  After his visit, he’d go a day or two or three without texting.  Things changed and I understand that.  I just wanted them to change in a different way.  I wanted more communication, not less.  And lately, when he would go a day or two without texting, my mind would clear.  I could think better because my thoughts weren’t all clogged up with him and what I couldn’t have.

I think sending that text was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do – even harder than when I had to end things during the divorce.  This time it was solely my choice.  I could continue to torture myself with little snippets of his time or I could try to move on.

I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t know how to say good-bye to Luke.  He’s been such a huge part of my life for 18 months that I feel rather lost without him, even though it’s only been an hour since I sent that text.  How do I go about getting the huge chunk of my heart back from him?

I have a feeling time is going to be the only thing that will help.  I won’t be texting him.  I’ve already hidden him from my newsfeed on FB.  I just need to find the willpower to not visit his wall when I want to.

Why is it that the things that are good for us are sometimes the hardest things to do?  I need to get to a place where I can talk to him and be content to be some kind of detached text buddies.  I don’t know how long that will take or if I can ever get there.  I can pray that I can.  I can hope for it.

But only time will tell.

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4 Comments

  1. I know how you feel, and I think you made the right decision to take some time for yourself.
    Enjoy your time, keep your mind busy.
    I’m hoping that you ‘ll be able to do so x

    • Keeping my mind busy has never been the problem. Keeping it off certain topics, however… lol

      • well.. good luck anyway 😉

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