I did it. I finally texted Luke and told him I had to stop texting.
Me: I need to take a break from texting. I broke the rules of FWB and got too emotionally involved. I need some time/space to work through this. I’ll be in touch when I’m able. I hope you understand.
Luke: Rules? Did I do something to offend? I’m sorry if I did. Text when you feel like it.
Me: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just want impossible things and I just need to work through this.
Luke: Ok. Please know I’m always here for you.
The thing is, though, he is only there in a text-only way. This all goes back to “I want more.” He doesn’t. He’s content with the detached, text only, non-definable relationship we’ve had. It’s no longer enough for me.
I know that we never went a day without texting each other before he came to visit. After his visit, he’d go a day or two or three without texting. Things changed and I understand that. I just wanted them to change in a different way. I wanted more communication, not less. And lately, when he would go a day or two without texting, my mind would clear. I could think better because my thoughts weren’t all clogged up with him and what I couldn’t have.
I think sending that text was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do – even harder than when I had to end things during the divorce. This time it was solely my choice. I could continue to torture myself with little snippets of his time or I could try to move on.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to say good-bye to Luke. He’s been such a huge part of my life for 18 months that I feel rather lost without him, even though it’s only been an hour since I sent that text. How do I go about getting the huge chunk of my heart back from him?
I have a feeling time is going to be the only thing that will help. I won’t be texting him. I’ve already hidden him from my newsfeed on FB. I just need to find the willpower to not visit his wall when I want to.
Why is it that the things that are good for us are sometimes the hardest things to do? I need to get to a place where I can talk to him and be content to be some kind of detached text buddies. I don’t know how long that will take or if I can ever get there. I can pray that I can. I can hope for it.
But only time will tell.