What Needs to Be Said…What Can’t Be Said
I’ve spent so much time and energy over the past 18 months getting wrapped up in you that I don’t know how to let go now. I know it has to be done. We obviously are at different points in our lives and we want different things. It hurts my heart too much to continue to fight against the answer to “what if?” I got to continue this way. I know a change needs to be made but I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
I don’t know what we are to each other. We aren’t friends. Friends share more than texts. I’ve opened myself to you, let myself be utterly vulnerable with, showed you my soul. I’ve shared my healing journey and bared my innermost being to you. Yet, I don’t know you. I don’t know your hopes and dreams, I’ve never seen you vulnerable, I don’t know you.
My desire, in this moment, is to know you, to be known by you, to share our lives in the way friends do. Would it lead to more than that? I don’t know – I’d hope that sometime in the future, we could try, but for this moment, I’d be happy to just know you.
You tell me you aren’t indifferent – just busy. I think this is the first time that I’ve not believed you about something. Sure, I’ve always had trouble believing you when you complimented me or made your desire for me known prior to your visit and even after – but that speaks about me and what I can believe about myself. This is the first time that I feel a lie in your words. I can feel the indifference, the not wanting me like I want you. I’ve invited you to visit, or call, or even call on Skype, yet there is always a reason that you can’t do any of those and there doesn’t seem to be any desire on your part to make any of them happen.
For whatever reason – and you don’t have to explain it – you are content with being some form of text buddies. You keep yourself aloof and not a part of a relationship. Whether you don’t want a close relationship with any woman or just me makes no difference, it is no longer enough for me.
It is ripping my heart out to write these words, to even think them. All I know is that the times that I go days between hearing from you are the days that my head starts to clear and I feel more even, more myself. Then you text again and my world is thrown into a tailspin of wanting you, needing you, yearning for you. It throws my world off its axis and it is increasingly becoming intolerable to me.
I can’t live in a world of wanting impossibilities any longer. I can no longer tolerate letting myself be open and vulnerable and not getting anything in return. The thought of saying good-bye to you is like denying that I need air to breathe but I can’t continue on as I’ve been for months now. I’ve become too emotionally attached yet I feel the detachment on your part.
I don’t have a problem admitting that I want you, that I want you to want me the same way, and that I would like for us to try to make a life together – not right now but possibly someday in the future. I know now is not that time. I know that I need to move on, to give myself a chance to experience my new life to the fullest and I can’t do that and pine for you at the same time. It hurts my heart too much.
I also don’t have a problem admitting that you will always hold a piece of my heart. There will always be a part of me that loves you. How could I not love someone who stood by me and asked hard questions and gave me reality checks and opened up an entirely new world of physical pleasure, of kindness, respect, and caring? I just ask that you hold that piece of my heart gently and take care of it.
For now, I need to go back to being superficial Facebook friends. I can’t text with you anymore, I can’t be a peripheral part of your life anymore, not when what I want is to be an integral part of it.
I know I broke the rules – I got too emotionally attached. It is time for me to detach and sink or swim on my own. I can only hope that you understand this.
Thank you for everything. Those are only four small words but they hold the gratitude of my being in them. You have touched me, you have changed me, you have helped heal me.
Maybe I’ll get up the nerve to send this someday.