Epiphany

The stupid time change has fucked with my waking up in the morning.  My internal clock is set and does not understand DST so I’ve been up at 4:15 for the past two mornings.  This has given me time to lay in bed and think while trying to go back to sleep (those two things actually work in opposition to each other).

I had an epiphany this morning.  I’ve been working for 2 1/2 months now and with as many men as we see in the office daily, I haven’t been attracted to one of them.  Not one!  That’s a lot of men to not be attracted to.  Yet, last week I sat there all week ogling the boss of the road crew who was paving the parking lot.  And I’m starting to be attracted to someone I previously was NOT attracted to.

I’ve really been questioning this the past couple of days.  Why am I attracted to this man now when there are so many things about him that I simply don’t like?  Physically, I’ve never been attracted to him.  He smokes which, for me, is a non-negotiable.  He lives with his mother, even though he has his own house about 15 minutes away.  I’m not entirely convinced he isn’t on some kind of drugs – even if they are prescription (which I think they are).  He flakes out on me on a regular basis and is afraid of my son.  Yet, here I sit, wondering what it would be like to kiss him.

There are a few explanations for this.  1. I’m just so lonely that my body is no longer picky.  2. I’ve lost my mind completely.  3. I feel safe when I’m with him.

EU-FUCKING-REKA!!!  We have a winner.  Safety.  Endellion pointed out to me last night that I don’t have body boundaries, I have armor plating and a forcefield.  Safety is huge with me.  Physically, I feel safe with Sean.  I feel safe with him and so my body is thinking that he would make an awesome casual sex partner.

Every man I’ve been attracted to since the divorce has felt safe.  Luke is the ultimate in safety.  He’s far away, he always respects my boundaries, and when he was here he showed that he truly was safe for me to trust.  The road crew guy was outside and I knew our paths would not cross so he was safe to be attracted to because there would never be an opportunity for us to meet let alone have anything happen between us.  Now Sean, who has been there for me so many times over the past 6 months.

I’m attracted to safety more than an individual person, it seems.  It takes a lot to get through the forcefield and armor plating.  It takes time and patience.  Only once a man gets through that forcefield do I feel safe enough to feel any type of attraction.  Once I feel safe, biology kicks in.

It makes sense to me.  It’s a reasonable explanation – why am I suddenly attracted to someone I’ve never been attracted to before?  Safety.

It’s just that simple.

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2 Comments

  1. Safe is such a good thing. Simple and good. I think the complicating part is sorting out everything, because of wanting things as simple as safety and kindness. It plays with my head and makes me afraid I’m too easy, because what I want is so simple.

    • I’m very easy to please. I’ve always known this about myself. I don’t require expensive gifts or fabulous vacations – I just want someone’s time and attention. I just want to feel safe. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

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