I woke up over an hour early today. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t know what made me think of it, but I started thinking, “If I died tomorrow, what regrets would I have?”
I would regret never telling Luke exactly how I feel about him. I would regret not picking up the phone and telling him, “Look, I think we could have something special. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but if we’d take this a notch above texting and actually talk on a regular basis, we might begin to forge something together. Maybe, in a few years, when I’m in a better place, we might be able to find a compromise on living space and have an amazing life together. I want to find out if it’s possible. You already have a piece of my heart and have for a very long time. There is a flame in there for you and if we took the time, if you wanted to take the time, we might just find that it could be a full-on fire. And maybe you’d find you have the same thing for me.”
The problem I see is that I don’t think he wants to. I’m too afraid to outright ask and it is going to be another huge regret of mine. I lived with the regret of “what if” with Luke for too many years. It looks like I’m about to live with the same regret again. He’s made no overtures in that direction. I guess it comes down to not wanting that confirmation of what I think. I know I may be completely off, I really don’t know how he feels. But as long as I don’t ask, my dreams of “what if” can’t be dashed.
I’d also regret never telling my family exactly, in vivid detail, what their glorious, perfect “son” had done to me. I’d like them to know every gory detail of how he sadistically raped and mentally tortured me for nearly two decades. There is still such a huge part of me that wants them to “get” it. I want them to love me. I want them to see the truth. I know they won’t and it’s futile to even hope they could. I still don’t understand how they can believe these absolutely horrible things about me. It just won’t make any kind of sense in my head, no matter how I look at it.
Those are the only two regrets I’ve come up with. That’s it so far. I may have more to add later, but those are the only two I can come up with right now. Luke will always be my biggest regret. Fear holds me back from fixing that though.
Now that I’ve had a chance to reread this, I realize that I don’t regret things I’ve done so much as I regret the things that I haven’t done. Yet, even seeing this, I still can’t do the things that I know I will regret not doing. Fear has ruled my life.
I’m just wondering if it always will.