Purity is a Wuss

Purity has been prowling lately.  It’s been really bad.  Really, really bad.  I’ve been considering doing something that would end in all kinds of complicated, not-so-great ways.  Casual sex with a friend who has feelings for you but whom you don’t have those feelings for would turn out badly on a lot of levels.

First (and most importantly), I’d hurt him.  I know how he feels about me and I just don’t feel that way about him.  He’s a great friend and I don’t like to hurt anyone, but I especially don’t like to hurt my friends.  I really don’t want to hurt Sean.

Second, it would be very awkward to look across the street all the time and see the guy I just used for sex, especially if it was just a one-time thing.  I couldn’t see us getting back to what we’d been because sex changes everything.

Third,  he could see that as meaning more than it does.  If I was looking at it as sex-only and he was looking at it in terms of advancing our relationship, that would be very bad.

I’m sure there are a million and one other reasons this is a bad idea but I’ve been thinking about it lately.  I’m lonely.  Purity is on the prowl – she wants a man in my bed in the worst way.  It would be very convenient – at least location wise.

Last night, I learned that Purity is nothing but a great big wuss.  When we were sitting in the laundry room talking last night, Sean said, “I’m not going to do it, but if I was to lean in for a kiss, which way would you tilt your head?”  I’m pretty sure I got the “deer in the headlight” look and I could literally feel Purity put her tail between her legs and slink off in fear.  I could feel the panic surface.  In that moment I was terrified of just the thought of him kissing me.

I managed to ask him why and he just told me to answer it.  I closed my eyes and thought about it and said, “To the right.”  Sean told me that 98% of the population tilts to the right when they go in for a kiss.  I asked him where he found that out because I really do LOVE random trivia like this.  He’d heard it on the news so my hopes of having a new, fun source of random, useless facts was dashed.

As I sit here writing about this, I just thought, “If Purity wasn’t such a wuss, I would’ve responded with, ‘Why don’t you try it and we’ll find out.’”  But, when push comes to shove, Purity doesn’t have the claws and fangs I thought she did.  She isn’t in charge.  I can’t get too excited about it because I’m not in charge either.

Right now, fear is in charge.  Sure, I had no problems kissing and doing so much more with Luke.  Not one little problem with that.  It still boggles my mind that I felt so completely safe with Luke that I enjoyed every bit of contact we had.  I enjoyed every kiss, every hug, every snuggle, every other touch we had.  I enjoyed and reveled in it all.

I’m feeling more comfortable with Sean.  I’ve been asking him for hugs the past week when I’ve so desperately needed them.  I’m touching him often now – the way I would touch any friend who I know likes touch – on the arm, the hand, the knee.

Tonight I ran a piece of apple pie over to Sean as a thank-you for being there for me last night.  I’d asked him last night to help me practice deflecting hugs.  I thought we’d practice it like dance moves or something.  He sprung one on me as I was walking out the door.  I froze.  I stood there with my arms up to my chest and I just stood there while he gave me a hug.  I asked him to try it again and he said it will only be effective if I’m not expecting it.

I see his point but I need to practice so that reaching out to shake a hand becomes my default.  I think repetition is going to be the only thing that helps.  I think him hugging me unexpectedly is a great way to test to see if I’m learning.  As a test to see what happens now, it was very effective.  We now know that I will, in fact, freeze when he hugs me.

And for now Purity is in hiding.  I called her bluff and she ran for the hills.  She is hunkered down and very quiet.  I’m very relieved.

Hopefully, she will remember this and just stay quiet for a good, long while.




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