Purity Is Not Picky

Apparently, Purity does not have any morals, standards, and does not consider consequences.

I really hate Purity sometimes.

Purity has been prowling lately.  Since Fluffy was integrated, she has nothing to temper her.  She has nothing to hold her back – no other presence to take up space in there.  She has full reign when she wants it.  Right now, she wants full reign in the worst way.

Just as I could with Fluffy, I can feel Purity very near the surface.  It is getting harder and harder to control her.  She watched Fluffy have his day and she wants hers.  I really thought those days with Luke would integrate her just as letting Fluffy having his day fully integrated him.  I’m finding out how wrong I was.

I’ve keenly been feeling the loneliness lately.  With all the issues Shane has, he is truly an exhausting child.  Bubba isn’t taking his monthly visitation.  He has been taking every other month.  This means that I go about 8 weeks with no breaks.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, but I never have time to myself.  Even if I lock my bedroom door to get an hour to myself, I’m still on call.  If one of the children needs something, I have to give up my “me time” to take care of them. That takes a toll on a person.

I’m on call, responsible, 24/7 with no breaks.  This has served to really drive home the fact that I’m all alone.  There is no one else to “tag in” so I can get a break.  Purity is taking the loneliness personally and seems determined to fix it in her own way.  She simply doesn’t understand that sex alone will NOT fix this.

Purity needs.  You can’t reason with pure need.  Purity is not logical.  Right now, Purity is strong.  She is trying to run the show and it is getting harder and harder to control her.

This past week was a terrible week.  I had a crisis with Shane and the possibility of a disgruntled employee showing up at work to cause trouble on the same day.  Two days later, I broke down and texted Sean, “I could really, really use a friend right now.”  Since we haven’t really spoken in a month, I figured he’d ignore me but he was at my house in less than five minutes.  We sat on the porch and talked for about an hour and a half.  I actually asked for a hug.

Sean’s phone isn’t working (he regularly uses up his minutes and then takes his time buying more) so I couldn’t text him yesterday.  I actually picked up the phone and called him.  I have to clean Shane’s room and I know if I try to do it by myself, I’ll get distracted and never get it done.  So I called Sean to ask him to come talk to me while I worked.  Even before he got here, I got distracted and started making an apple pie.  When he got here, I had the brilliant idea to invite him for dinner.  I’d get the steaks if he’d grill them.  He agreed.

I got a little bit of Shane’s room done while we talked but Sean had to get back home so I quit working.  I ran to the store, came home, and finished my apple pie.  Sean came back over and we sat on the porch and watched Bones on his computer.  Then it was time to grill!

I’m finding that I’m becoming more at ease with touching Sean.  I don’t know why.  After that huge boundary crossing, I didn’t think I’d ever feel at ease with him again.  I think seeing how regretful he was about it and how respectful he’s been since it happened along with some time and distance have put us back on an even keel.

A few more friends showed up during dinner and it was wonderful having my home full of people again.  Hannah, Sean, and I all expressed how much we miss summer and how much fun we had sitting up till all hours on my porch, just talking the night away.  We are all busy now and don’t have time to just sit and visit anymore.

After Hannah and her friends left, I asked Sean if he wanted to watch a movie.  We sat on the couch together and watched a few music videos on his computer first.  Since his computer was on his lap, I sat close to him.  That is when Purity woke up.  Being that close to a man I feel safe with is exactly what Purity has been wanting.  If she can’t have Luke, she’ll apparently take what she can get.

At one point during the movie, Serenity and Andy came out and crowded onto the couch with us.  I had to move down to sit right next to Sean.  I’m pretty sure I could hear Purity purring.  Sean had his arm up on the couch behind me and his fingertips brushed against my shoulder a time or two.  Sparks shot down my body.

I do not want this.  I’ve never been attracted to Sean in that way.  He smokes!  That right there is enough to turn me off.  That is my biggest non-negotiable.  Yet last night, I enjoyed touching him.  I enjoyed that light touch on my shoulder.  Entirely too much.  This is a complication I do NOT need.

It would be so easy to use him to scratch that itch.  I know how he feels about me and I know it would be an absolute disaster.  I know I am not interested in him beyond being friends.  Yet, Purity sees easy pickings.  Purity wants a man in my bed.  Purity is not really caring about how I feel about it or the consequences.  Purity does not understand that I don’t believe in casual sex.

The more I think about it, the more I think that Purity will not be fully integrated until I’m in a serious, healthy relationship and I’m getting sex on a regular basis.  Fluffy fully integrated when he got what he wanted – the ability to get free and express his rage – the rage I’d been suppressing for years.  Purity will not fully integrate until she gets what she wants – sex on a regular basis.  I can’t give that to her until I am in a fully committed relationship.

And right now, I’m not looking for a relationship with a man.  Purity cannot have what she needs because I’m not ready for what I want someday.  I have to find a way to manage her.  I wish I could cage her but I have tried and haven’t been successful yet.  She scares me in a way that Fluffy never did.  I cannot cage her.  I cannot deny her.  She is there, she is making her presence and needs known.

I simply don’t know what to do with her.


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