It’s Time To Be Honest With Myself

I’m going to start out by saying I don’t like this one bit.  I do not like analyzing the feelings I have for Luke.  I was happy when I was saying it was just a FWB thing and that there was no danger of it ever being anything else.

Well, I know I need to move on.  I know that he doesn’t want anything beyond what we had for those few brief days this summer.  I know I’ve said I’m ok with that.

I lied.  Now anyone who knows me knows that I simply cannot lie.  People around me can always tell if I’m lying because I’m so horrifically bad at it.  Even if I try to evade answering a question, Serenity can read the answer in my face very easily.  Since I’m so bad at lying, my policy has been to just tell the truth.

Apparently, I am able to lie to myself quite easily.  Apparently, I’ve been doing it for quite a long time.  Apparently, I’m not capable of having a FWB situation – at least not with Luke.

The truth of the matter is that he has a huge chunk of my heart.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m in love with him but the sprouts are there.  The seeds have germinated and there are tiny, ever so tiny, bits of green breaking the surface of the soil.  I let my heart get involved.

You see, a physical relationship creates bonds.  No matter what I thought going into it, it happened.  Between how wonderfully supportive he was through the year of hell I was put through by Bubba and my FOO and how amazing he was in bed, I started to fall.

There is potential there.  No, it isn’t love.  It is the potential of love.  And yet, even with it only being potential, it still hurts to know that it isn’t reciprocated.  No, Luke never did anything to lead me to believe it would be.  He’s been aboveboard in all this.  This is totally on me.

I let myself dream of those “what ifs” that have existed since I was in Junior High School.  Luke was the one who got away.  I carried a lot of baggage into our friendship.

The truth is that I don’t know Luke.  I don’t know what he thinks and feels on a daily basis.  I only know what he’s let me know through his texts.  We’ve only spoken on the phone a handful of times since my divorce so our communication is mostly just texting.  That is the only thing that prevented me from falling completely in love with him.  I’m a firm believer that a real relationship cannot happen through texting alone.  I’m kicking myself for not remembering that earlier and making more out of this than there is.

I hate that I can still see his name pop up in my newsfeed on Facebook (FB) and get that swift kick of lust in my gut.  I hate that I still want him to want me.  I really hate that there will probably always be this little flame in my heart that burns for him.

For now, I’ve hidden him from my newsfeed.  I refuse to just pop over to his FB page to look at his pictures.  I’m not initiating text conversations.  I’m just going to let this die the natural death it has to and go back to being FB friends only who interact with each other every few years.  It’s time to find a new normal.  It’s time to mourn.

I’ve been lying to myself, telling myself that I still needed to find out the answer to “what if?” when the answer has been in front of my face this entire time.  What if we got together?  We’d enjoy 60 hours together and the best sex of my life and then we would go back to being casual acquaintances.  I have my answer.

It’s time to move on.

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