The Three Musketeers – Back in Action

I’ve had to pull The Three Musketeers out of retirement. It is becoming more and more clear that Luke and I are definitely not in the same place.  I meant to send that e-mail but I never did.  I’m on the merry-go-round and it is starting to make me entirely too dizzy.

I mentioned to Luke a few weeks ago that I got the feeling that we’d never have a repeat of July and that we’d never actually see each other again. He assured me that we would see each other again. Sexting picked up for a bit again. It tends to come and go and this conversation happened after he’d kind of dropped off the face of the earth for awhile.

I got my hopes up. Then I realized that not only would I be alone for those four days immediately following Thanksgiving, but I’d also have the weekend before Thanksgiving too! I’d asked Luke to come down for those four days before I got the kids back but he said his son was planning to visit. When I realized that I also had the weekend before, I asked Luke about coming down then. All he said was that his son would be there. I replied that I didn’t realize that he’d be there all week. He just texted back, “Sorry. Good night.”

I need to move on. I know I’ve said it before and gone right back to my little delusions of someday something happening with Luke but I need to once and for all put it behind me. So, I’ve pulled The Three Musketeers out of retirement to do their job again and cut Luke out of my brain.

Yesterday, I was sitting at a stop sign, waiting for traffic to clear. I’d looked right and when I turned to look left again, I very vividly saw Luke standing in front of me, naked. It gave me a punch in the gut. It came out of nowhere and it was so vivid, I could’ve been standing back in my bedroom with him. The Three Musketeers actually sprang into action and cut that mental image out of my brain and chucked it out of my ear.

I need to mourn this and move on. I need to learn to be content to be alone. I’m single. That isn’t going to change anytime soon. Luke doesn’t want to explore anything between us and that is fine. I understand. I’m not heart-broken by it. It’s just time to admit that it was something I really did want, it really isn’t a possibility, and move on.

Until the mental images just stop popping into my head at random times (like when I drove by IHOP a few weeks ago and I could clearly see us walking in and sitting down to eat), The Three Musketeers need to do their job. I need to find time to cry about it and mourn it and move on.

I have a feeling I just figured out what I’m doing with all of my alone time over Thanksgiving.


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