Signing up for Christmas Help

I asked the counselor at Shane’s school if she knew of anyone who helped with Christmas gifts for children.  She sent me a referral letter to our local children’s charity.  I had to take a ton of documentation with me.  I gathered it all in the morning before work and planned to go sign up on my lunch break.

Thankfully, when I got there no one else was there.  I went in immediately and began the process.  I turned over social security cards, birth certificates, proof of the children being on Medicaid, and proof that we receive food stamps.

I filled out their form and wrote down the Christmas lists that the kids had given me.  While I was filling out paperwork and talking to the nice woman, it was all I could do to hold back the tears.  The more I sat there the angrier and sadder I became.

Bubba did this to us.  Bubba has made choices that sadly, we bear the consequences of.  I tell this same thing to Shane all the time about his own choices.  It seems that when Shane makes poor choices, I end up bearing the consequences of them.  Apparently, he’s inherited his father’s knack for having consequences slide off his back and hit me square in the face.

Bubba chose to hurt us.  Bubba chose to not change.  Bubba chose to be an unrepentant abuser.  Bubba chose to not make arrangements to pick the kids up for summer so that he could keep his job.  Bubba is most likely choosing to not take a job that is “beneath him.” (I don’t know this for a fact but this is what happened the last three times he got fired, so I’m going to assume he is sticking with his established pattern.)

Because of Bubba’s choices I can’t pay bills let alone give my kids a Christmas.  All I want is one thing to put under the tree for each of them.  When I signed up, that is what I told the ladies. I just want one thing for each of them.

I made it out to my car and let the tears come.  I called Endellion because I needed to talk to someone who would understand.  I’m angry with Bubba.  How could he do this to us?  I just don’t understand what makes a person treat the people who love him the way he has treated the kids and me.  In a sick and twisted way, I can see how he could treat me that way if I really work hard at it, but how does one treat their own children the way he has?  I will never comprehend how someone has the ability to hurt their child.  I do everything I can to protect those kids and he routinely hurts them.  I will NEVER understand that.  I just can’t wrap my brain around it.

So I signed up for Christmas help.  I have very big feelings about it.  I’m so thankful that programs like this exist.  I’m so sad that I need this program.

But most of all, I’m angry at Bubba for putting me in this position.

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    1. Hating Bubba « Hope Wears Heels

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