Moving On

I need to move on from Luke.  I realized that I get Saturday and Sunday before Thanksgiving to myself too and texted him about it last night.  Of course, his son is going to be there all week and not just the partial week I thought.  He just said, “Sorry” and good-night.

I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t have the mental energy to continue to try to figure out times that he could come down and be shot down each and every time.  I’ve finally gotten the hint that it will never happen again.

I know this has been a roller-coaster but I can’t do it anymore (and yes, I know I’ve said that before too).  This time I need to do something about it.  I need to let Luke in on the fact that I’m done – that I’m moving on.

I’m waiting for feedback from Endellion about how this email sounds.  I don’t know what the right thing to do is in this situation.  I just feel like I need some closure.  And I need it before I continue to make a fool out of myself by inviting him down only to have him turn me down.

A few weeks ago, he reassured me that it would happen again but I just can’t see it.  And I can’t take seeing him just once a year.  I’m just worried that I’ll do this now and then he’ll say something about coming down this summer.  And if he does, I’ll fall right back into bed with him.  I’m honest enough with myself to know that I will make myself available to him if he wants to visit because I still want him.  Yes, this is so confusing.

I guess it comes down to the fact that mentally, I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t look forward to seeing him and continue looking for opportunities for him to come down so we can spend time together and fuck.  My body yearns for him too much and my brain yearns for more than he’s willing to give.  I’m sick of the brain and the body being at war over him so I’m shutting the body down and telling my brain to stop wanting more.

It is time to get down to serious dating and looking for a real mate.  Someone to share my life with.  I don’t know that it will ever happen but I can’t keep sitting here burning for Luke.

Luke,

I’m going to put my cards on the table.

I simply can’t do this anymore.  I broke the rule of FWB and got too attached.  I think I was too attached before you came down.  I know we touched on the subject of exploring more just a tiny bit and you don’t seem to want to go there yet I would like to.  I know that isn’t an option now and am working on accepting that.

I can’t tell you how very much I value your friendship and I know I’ll never be able to tell you how much you helped me heal.  I can never thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me.  You occupy a very special place in my heart.

I would love to continue texting and being your friend but I simply can’t continue the sexting side of this.  I need to let the FWB part of our relationship live in the past.

Hope

Oh, if only it would be this easy.  I wrote the email and had every intention of sending it, but I just couldn’t.  I guess I still have more agonizing to do about this before I can make a decision.

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3 Comments

  1. liana

    i just came upon this posting… i wanna say i finally had the talk with the ex.. he said he didnt want me because i smoke(i smoked for ten years now and hes been with me for 6!!!) and two years ago i slept with my best friend.. so the last three years hes treated me like dung for smoking? cause i didnt do anything with my friend for a whole year! and then he said he didnt care about me and wasnt in love with me… i pined for two years of those six cause we were on hiatus and he took all this time to tell me! i needed to let go finally and did.. i also told my best friend what i feel about him and nothings changed.. im done with relationships and dare i say my boyfriends will be plastic for a long time im afraid.. im not ready to open up to anyone for a long time. and i do want to be held i want to have someone to be with to support me. i know i got my daughter but she cant support me like a significant other and im like you and dont talk to my family for the same reasons actually… only it was my bio father and mother. im sick of the lonlies and im sick of feeling alone and despairing

    • The Lonelies bite. That is one of the hardest parts of this – having no one to turn to and just hold on to in the worst of the shit I’m working through. I miss physical touch. I’m learning to accept that I’m on my own. It’s much better than the alternative – being with Bubba. I just keep things in perspective.

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