What Kind of Life Do I Have?
I was talking to Endellion and I said, “I’m really trying not to hate my life because it truly is a great life. But damn, sometimes, I just hate it.”
She called me on it. She said, “Woah! Hang on a sec. You do NOT, I repeat NOT NOT NOT have a great life. You have a very crappy and exceedingly unfair life right now and it is 100% ok to say that.
I said, “But I’m not living in the hell I was in before, so in comparison, this is great.”
This got me thinking…. Does living in the absence of hell equal a great life? Can I use what I lived before as a comparison to what I’m living now? Can living a life that has improved dramatically still not be the same thing as living a great life?
Yes, my life has improved dramatically in that I no longer live in fear on a daily basis. There is always fear in the back of my mind though, wondering what Bubba’s going to do next to hurt me or the children. He is still very verbally abusive to the children and he continues to attack me via email. For the most part, I can laugh at what he sends to me. However, I live with the knowledge that eventually we will end up back in family court and that I’ll be raked over the coals again on his say-so alone.
In the he said/she said world of family court, the mother is put on trial when she goes up against an abusive man. Since the court was trying to determine custody and I had custody of them, my life was put under a microscope while he was allowed to do anything he wanted, including having a live-in girlfriend. Family court was very traumatizing for myself and my children and we live with the fact that he could take me back anytime he wants.
As my friend pointed out – I didn’t sign up for this life. When I married Bubba, I signed up for “till death do us part.” I didn’t sign up to be abused. I didn’t sign up to be hated on a daily basis. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent to three children. And I certainly didn’t sign up to do it without child support or any breaks. The children have been back from summer visitation for 5 weeks and not once has he contacted me about his next visitation with them. He didn’t have visitation with them at all in August and hasn’t emailed me about September. The last thing he mentioned to the children was that he’d seen them for Thanksgiving. That will be 16 weeks with no break. And that causes all kinds of mixed feelings for me too.
As much as I love my children and hate to see them go to him for visitation because I know how he treats them – I need a break. A burned out Mama is not a good thing. Before I left, I was in a constant state of being burned out because he never let me have a break. I strongly suspect this is what this lack of contacting me about visitation is – punishing me for all the imaginary slights he’s cooked up in his head.
I’m lonely. I don’t want to need a man but I really, really want one. When I got out of my marriage – I said I’d never get married again. But the truth is, I want to be a wife again. I want a husband, a true husband. I want to go to bed with a man each night and wake up with him each morning. I want to share life’s joys and sorrows with him. I want to know that I have someone’s support and that I’m someone’s support. I want a partner. I feel the absence of that man very keenly. I don’t know who he is or when I’ll meet him or if I ever will, but I feel his absence in my life.
I’m still adjusting to working full-time after being a stay-at-home mom for 13 years. They boys are doing fine with it. Serenity is having a tougher time with it. She is so used to me being around all the time that she is really struggling with me not being available 24/7. I’m struggling not being here. My long-term goal was to do this when Shane was in high school. I’d planned to go back to school then so that I could have a job when he graduated. I just got a notice in his back pack today that all parent volunteers need to take a child abuse training class. It about broke my heart that I will never again be a parent volunteer. I will never again be able to volunteer in my children’s schools.
So, for today I’m going to say I hate my life. I don’t have a great life. I am in the middle of mourning the life I should’ve had and the life I don’t have yet. I’m in the middle of doing damage control and cleaning up messes that others have made for me and my children. Life isn’t fair and it fucking sucks right now. I’m just grateful that I am fighting to make it better. I refuse to wallow in self pity. I refuse to not make a better life for me and my kids. This too shall pass and yes, I will get that great life one day.
But for today, it just sucks.