I battled heartburn all day at work today. I was feeling horrible when I got home but powered on. I had to get left-overs out for the kids and do some things around the house, including making sure the boys got showers. Doing dishes was the worst. As I was moving around the kitchen, all I could think was, “I just want someone to come take care of me.” It was praying without praying. I was talking to God but I wasn’t asking for anything really, just telling God what I wanted.
I got Shane to bed and laid there with him and tried to not cry about how badly my head was hurting by that point. I asked Liam to heat up my rice sock, hoping it would help. I finally gave up and went in to lay on my own bed in the dark. I turned my fan on, shut as much light out of my room as I could and just laid there. I’d finally given in and taken four ibuprofen and was trying to think what else I could do.
I finally texted Serenity, because I couldn’t yell from my room to hers, to ask her if she’d walk to the drug store (we only live 3 blocks away) and get me some Goody’s Powders. As it was getting a bit dark, she really didn’t want to go. I told her I’d call Sean and ask him to go. She said she’d go in if he drove her over. I called Sean and asked him to take Serenity to the drug store.
The next thing I knew, Serenity walked back into my bedroom and told me Sean was there. Usually I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my bedroom. Only one man had ever been in there and I was quite content to keep it that way. However, at that point I just didn’t care. He asked if I would take one of his pain pills. I didn’t like the idea of that. It took him five minutes, but he talked me into taking it. Then since I was sitting up to take the pill, he knelt on my bed and told me to lean my head against his chest.
He worked the pressure points on the back of my skull while I sat there and cried. At the point he came in, the tears had been flowing simply because my head hurt so badly. By this point, I was crying because God had answered my prayer and sent someone to take care of me.
In all the time that Bubba and I were married, he never cared when I had a headache. I’d ask him to heat up my rice sock or to get me some water and he’d act like I was putting him out so much. I was left to suffer alone – he never offered comfort of any sort. Even if I asked him to rub my temples and would demonstrate how I needed it to be done, he would do it too hard so that it hurt worse. If I asked him to not do it so hard, he would get mad at me and just stop.
After Sean had been working those pressure points for a few minutes, I realized that we were leaning into each other too much and the pressure on the top of my head made my head hurt worse. I pulled back and told him it was hurting while I turned around. He continued to rub my neck and shoulders. Serenity stayed in the room with us the whole time. She later told me that there was no way she was leaving him in there with me alone. She was in full protection mode.
Sean pulled me back to lean against him but I couldn’t let myself relax that much. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on him as he didn’t have any support against his back and I just couldn’t relax into him that much, no matter how much pain I was in.
After a bit, Sean suggested that I lay down because he was afraid the pain meds were going to kick in and he didn’t want me falling over. As I went to move to lay down, he kissed me right in the middle of my back. It was actually a sweet, comforting kiss. He laid down behind me and continued to rub my back. He even moved his hand up under my shirt and it didn’t bother me in the least little bit. Yeah, I was in some serious pain.
At one point, he started massaging my lower back. He was right around the waist band of my shorts and I jumped like he’d burned me. I guess there are still some triggers that a headache will not counteract. I think he asked if I was ticklish and I don’t remember if I responded or not. The meds were starting to kick in by then.
He massaged my neck, shoulders, and back for just over an hour. When he went to leave, I rolled over to tell him thank you and the room spun and tilted. I got sitting up and thanked him and he kissed my shoulder and it made me shiver. I really like the feeling of a man’s facial hair on my back and shoulders. I hate that that kiss made me shiver. I hate that it was Sean that caused that reaction in me.
When I got home from work the next day, I saw Sean outside. I went over and gave him a big hug and thanked him for taking care of me. I told him that in all those years, no one had ever taken care of me like that. He mentioned kissing me on the shoulder and I told him I knew I was in pain when I didn’t protest him being in my room and kissing my back. He told me that he knew I liked it because I moaned when he did it. I do NOT remember that. I told him we’d never discuss that again. It is never to be mentioned or even remembered. I can’t believe I let that slip out. My guard was completely and utterly down.
At this point, I’m jut praying I don’t get any more of those headaches. It would be entirely too easy to call him to help me and I don’t want to rely on him to help me through another one. Oh, to be taken care of again like that. It really was such a surreal experience for me. Just to have someone care enough to rub my back for over an hour is enough to make me eternally grateful. It also makes me so very sad. That is the type of treatment I should’ve gotten from Bubba all those years. Of course, had Bubba been capable of that type of behavior, the headaches wouldn’t have been a part of my life since they were always a direct result of the abuse. His treating the kids so horrifically during their weekly phone call the day before is what triggered this headache.
It all circles back to the fact that I want to get married again. I want to take care of a man and I want him to take care of me too. I want a partner. I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to go to bed with at night. I want someone to wake up and start the day with. I just don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to feel loved and cherished every day. I keep getting these small tastes of what could be, what it could be like if I found the right man. It hurts. It hurts to have these small glimpses and know that it is beyond my reach right now – maybe forever.
It just hurts.