Big, Huge, Ugly Feelings…aka I Got a Job
Last Tuesday, I got all dressed up and went over to a temp agency to apply for a job. I figured it was my best bet to get my foot in the door after 13 years of being a stay-at-home mom. I got there to see a note on the door that their services are by appointment only and I could either call or email my resume. I went home and emailed my resume.
Jodie called me soon after and we talked a bit about my experience and qualifications. She then said she was going to send me an online application and a link to take a typing test. I got both of those done and by Thursday, she called to ask if I could come in for an interview on Monday afternoon.
Later that day she called to reschedule my interview for Monday morning. This was moving rather quickly.
I had my interview on Monday morning and the boss, Katherine, asked if I could come in to sit with Jodie for two hours on Tuesday to see if this job would be something I would like and be able to do. Sitting with Jodie yesterday was fun! It looks like it will be challenging at first. It won’t be boring as the office seems rather busy.
I got up this morning and got the boys on their buses. Then I got busy sweeping all the floors so that I could scrub the hardwoods by hand. I had gotten my room, Serenity’s room, and most of the hallway done when the phone rang. It was Katherine, the boss, asking if I’d be able to come work today since Jodie had called off. I told her that Serenity had counseling at 1:00 p.m. and that I was babysitting in the afternoon but that I’d be able to shower and get in to work right away if I could leave by noon. That worked fine for her.
I worked for three hours today. It was fun and I even learned how to administer some tests. At one point I had four telephone lines going and was trying to get a test going.
I will be working tomorrow from 8-5 and on Friday from 10ish-5. All next week I’ll also work 8-5 to train with Jodie during her last week. I’ll have a week to become proficient with their computer system.
When I got home today and had a moment to think, I started getting really, extremely pissed off. I tried to work the kids’ counseling sessions to keep them in but at this point, they are each going to only get to go once every 3-4 weeks. I’m relying on Hannah to drive them from school to their appointments and back to school. I’m not going to be able to do it myself. I won’t be able to volunteer in their schools anymore either.
I’m so pissed off at Bubba. He’s getting what he wants. After all this time, I’m finally going back to work. I have no choice. And I’m going to have to work full-time (once they give me the hours) because he can’t be relied upon to pay his child support. He still isn’t working and he told the kids over the summer that he was taking me back to court so that he didn’t have to pay me the full amount.
It all boils down to the fact that I have to say good-bye (if only temporarily) to my dream of finishing school. There is no way I can finish up my requirements by March 2013 to sit for the licensing exam in the summer if I’m working full-time simply to pay the bills. If he pays his child support, I can try to hurry and finish because working full-time won’t be an absolute necessity. However, I don’t see that happening.
I hate him with a burning passion tonight. I watched him hold me back from doing my pre-reqs for years. He never could commit to being home to watch the kids so I could even do one class each semester. Had I not had to take those four classes last semester, I could’ve had my stuff done and been ready to sit next summer.
Going back to work and not knowing whether I’m going to be getting child support feels like a very personal attack. I asked for alimony for two fucking years. Just two years. Just long enough to enable me to be able to have a career so that I could take care of our children. Bubba wouldn’t even do that. He wants me to live in poverty. He doesn’t care that it is hurting his children. He can only see hurting me.
Well, fuck him. My plan to have a career may be on hold but I’m determined to do it. At this point, I’m hoping to be able to sit in 2014. I’m praying I can do it then. If not, I’ll shoot for 2015. But damnit, he will not win! I will get a career that allows me to support my kids. If that means moving up the ranks in the temp agency and taking a completely unrelated career path, that is what I’ll do. I may have to say good-bye to my dream until the kids are out of the house. But I will do something with my life. I will take care of my kids.
But tonight, I’m going to be pissed off and I’m going to hate him with every fiber of my being. Tonight I will sit and imagine the million ways I could torture him until he begged for mercy. Then I can dream of how I wouldn’t show him any. Tonight I will hate him and tomorrow I will go back to being apathetic toward him. I will go back to not allowing him to hurt me again. Because he simply isn’t a part of my life anymore.
Tomorrow he will go back to being a non-entity for me.