Half a Woman

I figured it out tonight.  Why I’m so obsessed with men, especially Luke.  I desperately want to get married again.  The only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be a wife and mother.  I’m still a mother but I’m no longer a wife.

Actually, I’m a wife with no husband.  I still have the longing to do all the things for a husband that a wife does.  All the things that I stopped doing at the end because it hurt too much to continue to give and give and give while he would take and take and take.  I have so much love in me to shower on someone and that need (yes, it is a need) is so unfulfilled right now.  I want to cook and bake and clean and support and help and be here for a man who will do all those things for me too.  I want it to not be one sided next time.

I want a partner.  Love is so fickle.  I really don’t care if I never fall in love again.  In fact, I’d rather avoid it.  I’m looking for a friend.  I’m looking for someone who is compatible with me.  Someone I can share my life with and who wants to share his life with me.  I want a Friends with Benefits on steroids.  Basically, I want to marry my best friend.

Right now I feel like I’m half a woman.  I don’t feel complete.  I know I don’t need a man to complete me but that isn’t what I’m talking about.  I want what I’ve never had.  I realize now that I’ve always been half a woman, striving desperately to find that other half to me.  I was putting stuff into my relationship and watching it run out because my “other half” didn’t fit me.

It was rather like trying to plug your kitchen sink with a square drain plug.  You can keep putting water into the sink but it will never fill the sink because it keeps going down the drain.  Bubba let all that love that I had to give run out of our relationship.  I want someone who wants to keep the love in the relationship.  I want someone who fits with me and helps me fill the sink, not work against me while I strive to keep filling it up alone.  I don’t know if that makes sense anywhere but in  my head.

I have so much to give and no outlet right now.  I dream of going to bed with a man at night and waking up, snuggling with him in the morning.  I yearn to have someone to share my life with.

I want to not be lonely anymore.


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