This part of the conversation happened at 6:45 pm:
Me: Hey. whatcha doing?
Luke: Eating dinner. You?
Me: laying in bed, listening to Disturbed, & chatting with Endellion on Skype. whatcha eating?
Luke: Pizza. Where are the kids?
Me: Shane is playing Wii in the living room & the other two are in Serenity’s room. i’m hiding. doing anything fun tonight? it’s rainy & cloudy so no meteor shower viewing tonight.
Luke: Rainy & in the 60s here.
Me: From your POV, are things weird between us?
Luke: No, why?
Me: just haven’t been texting as much lately. kinda feel like i’m bothering you.
Luke: You’re not bothering me.
Me: i’m sorry i pulled away for a bit. i had a lot of processing to do i just don’t want to fuck this up but i don’t know the protocol for our situation.
Luke: There is a protocol?
Me: like is it ok to tell you i want to see you again? do i act like that was a one time thing & let it go? I want a rulebook so I can stop feeling so clueless.
Luke: Tell me what you want. There are no rules.
Me: I want to see you again. but i may as well want the moon cause I have about as much chance of getting that. guess i’m in a rather melancholy mood tonight.
Luke: Why so down?
Me: just wanting impossible things & trying to accept the impossibility of them. really feeling lonely. surrounded by people yet feeling lonely.
Luke: I feel like that at times as well.
At 8:23, I sent him “then Shane will say something to make me laugh. i’m tucking him in & went to give him a kiss & he said, “kiss me, you fool!” what a hoot he is. but yeah, the loneliness is killer.
At 9:04 I sent him “candlelit bubblebath. happy sigh.”
He didn’t respond to either text. Then I got to thinking that he never said he wanted to see me again. I was talking to Endellion and figured that was rather telling. Surely if he thought of me that way or wanted to see me again, he would’ve said something. I decided to just give it up and move on.
I told Endellion I was going to go listen to some music. Even though my body is basically sound asleep again, I thought I’d try for a release because I’ve been rather moody and thought that maybe my body has needs even though my brain isn’t registering them. I was very right. It took less than 30 seconds for that release to happen and I wasn’t even finished when I started sobbing. I needed a release in more than one way. I sobbed as if my heart was broken even though I don’t feel like that.
Those gut-wrenching sobs made me realize that I had more unanswered questions. I couldn’t just read into what he had or hadn’t texted to me. So at 10:48, I got up the nerve to have this conversation:
Me: do you ever think about more than just FWB?
Luke: Between us?
Me: yes. (and i’m proud of myself for not typing the sarcastic answer i almost did.)
Luke: I have. And you should have.
Me: and where did that thinking end up?
Luke: Unfortunately, no where.
Me: any specific reason?
Luke: You don’t want to move here & I don’t want to move there.
Me: there’s the rub. that’s the exact reason on my end too. logistics fucking suck.
Me: so, we just continue on. & fuck like bunnies the next time we can get together?????
Luke: What else do you propose?
Me: for now? we continue our friendship & see where time takes us. who knows where we’ll be in another year or two. maybe moving toward each other or maybe further apart. all I know is that right now, you are the only man i feel safe around. that means a lot.
And if you have any ideas, feel free to share.
Luke: I concur.
Me: awesome! sounds like a plan. and now, at least, i can stop wondering. i’ve actually been too scared to ask until now.
Luke: Scared of what?
Me: your answer. either way, i was just scared.
Luke: Again scared of what? What answer would have scared you?
Me: both. finding out you didn’t think about it at all cause i think about it a lot. finding out you do think about it because i just can’t see past the location issue. it’s more complicated than that but that is the quick answer.
Good night and sweet dreams!
Me: good night.
I wasn’t ready to be done with the conversation but it was really late by that point. And he isn’t one to overly gush about his feelings. We can’t really have a real conversation about it right now because the kids have a knack for hearing everything they shouldn’t. Plus, I’m not at a point in my life where I can have that serious conversation. I’m not moving any time soon so it is a moot point. I need to experience life and that includes dating and not just jumping into another relationship – especially a seriously long-distance one.
I’m happy though. I’m not alone in my thinking. He’s thought about more than FWB too. For now, that is enough. I’m realistic enough to know that this house in this town is not where I’m going to end up on a permanent basis. This is a temporary home. I’m hoping the temporary status of it will be a few years, but in order to do what I want to do, I’m realistically looking to move. If that takes me up North, that is something I’ll work through when it happens. Once I have my schooling finished, I’ll be able to look for jobs wherever I want to live. I know Serenity wants to move North. I don’t know what the boys opinions are and I’m not asking them right now.
Serenity is just starting 11th grade, so I could possibly move in just under 2 years. Liam would be going into 10th grade, so that would be an ok time to move. Right now, plans to finish school are on hold. I’d hoped to continue but I can’t financially see how I’m going to do that. I’ve moved the plan back a year, to continue in the summer of 2014 – right after Serenity graduates. Liam will be going into 11th grade and I don’t know how either of us would feel about moving him then. If I look at this completely realistically, I’m thinking I’m going to be in this house until at least summer 2017. Who knows where Luke and I will be in 5 years. There is no use in thinking about it now. Either or both of us may find someone by then. Then again, we may not.
For now, I’m content to know that if we are meant to be together, God will help us work things out. If we aren’t meant to be together, then God is in control of that too.