Processing Hurt

I don’t think I process hurt like a normal person does.  Two things just happened and I know I should be hurt and I do feel it way down deep but it is really, really buffered.  It is buried under a lot of jaded cynicism.  I honestly don’t know what to do with my feelings in either case.  I don’t know what a normal reaction is.  Rationally, I know I should be hurt.  And I can feel it but it is like looking at a ring on the bottom of a pool filled with jell-o.  I’m aware of it, I can see its presence, but I’m disconnected from it.  It exists in an abstract way.  And like that ring under all that jell-o, I simply can’t get to it.

The first incident involves Sean.  I invited him for dinner.  I told him we were going to eat at 6:00 and he said he’d be here.  I was happily cooking away and realized that it was 5:53 and Sean still hadn’t arrived.  I texted him.  He didn’t respond.  I texted again at 6 and told him that dinner was ready and we were starting to eat.  Again, there was no response.  I had a vague sense of something not being right with my emotions but I couldn’t put a name to it and I couldn’t exactly access the emotions either.

The children and I ate and we got the kitchen cleaned up.  At 7, Sean finally texted.  He’d gotten busy and had totally forgotten that he was going to have dinner with us.  I told him not to worry about it.  Honestly, what could I say?  That I was having feelings about this but I didn’t exactly know what those feelings were?  In one way I’m really not hurt because this is the kind of stuff I got used to with Bubba.  He would constantly miss dinner because he got busy and “forgot.”

Frankly, I now understand that we just weren’t important enough to Bubba for him to make dinner with us a priority.  I’m trying to separate Sean from Bubba.  I’m trying to assign positive intent to Sean.  Just because he forgot does not mean that he views me as unimportant.  He is not Bubba.

The other incident involved a friend, Amelia.  Over the summer, with the kids gone, we spent some time together.  She was in town a lot for professional reasons and I opened my home to her a couple of times to spare her driving an hour home between appointments and when she got done working late at night so she didn’t have to drive home tired.  We deal with the same group of people in town and have shared interests.

She called at bedtime one evening, wanting me to help her with one of her clients.  I explained that it was bedtime for Shane and that I could quickly give her a few websites to share with her client for the evening.  I also told her to give her client my phone number so she could call me if she chose.  Shane was bouncing off the walls, screaming as he ran around the house.  I had to holler, “Shane!  Go put your pjs on NOW!” so that he could hear me over his own noise.

Amelia was very upset that I didn’t drop everything and go running to help.  She unfriended me on Facebook and assigned some very negative intent to me.  It is a simple misunderstanding of our roles in the community.  She is a paid care provider.  I am a volunteer.  When a client calls her, she must drop everything – no matter what she is doing and who she is with – to go to the client.  When I am called to help, my family ALWAYS comes first.  I will let the call go to voice mail (if I don’t recognize the number) or tell the person I’m in the middle of something and I’ll get back to them if it is someone I know or if I need to research the issue.  Never have I dropped whatever I was doing to rush off to help someone in this capacity.  It just isn’t what I do.

I’d thought she understood my role and the limits of what I do.  I was wrong.

Amelia flew off the handle and made some knee-jerk decisions.  I wasn’t even aware that she was mad at me until I saw a passive-aggressive comment on Facebook about it and started wondering if it was about me.  An hour later, I went back to read it again and she was no longer my friend.  I was stunned and confused.  When we’d talked the night before, she didn’t seem upset and as we got off the phone I told her I’d talk to her later and she’d said she’d talk to me later too.

She ended up sending me a huge email about it the next day and that was when I determined that I’d give myself some time to calm down before replying.  I did email to tell her that I’d received her email and that I needed some time to think and that I’d get back to her in a couple of weeks.  She sent back another email that wasn’t very pleasant and she threw some things she’d done for me back in my face.

That is one thing I will never put up with again.  Gifts are supposed to be freely given from the heart.  Bubba used to throw things back at me when he was angry so I never felt safe accepting gifts.  It got to the point where I felt awful any time I received a gift because I’d become so accustomed to having them used against me.  I had to tell Amelia good-bye.  I couldn’t continue to be friends with someone who would use gifts as weapons and assign as much negative intent to me as Amelia did.  It just wasn’t worth my time to try to wade through all that.  I can’t understand why someone would want to be friends with a person they view in that much of a negative light.

And to be perfectly honest, I don’t want to deal with this issue. I have other issues pressing against me and it is just too much.  I spent the summer working on my healing.  I’ve spent the last week days dealing with reintegration with the kids being home.  My brain needs a break from processing shit.  I need time off from life.  I’m not ready to delve in to more healing.  I need a breather.  I just don’t think my brain is going to give it to me.  I want to put this off for a few weeks and just be.  I want to stop processing stuff because I’m just tired.  I feel like I’m being torn apart at the seams.  It is just too much.

The fact that I feel hurt by these two incidents but can’t get to the actual feelings is just something that is going to have to wait.

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