Tired and Lonely

Thursday was a bad night.  A very bad night.  I’m just tired – tired of doing the hard work to heal.  And I’m lonely.

I want things I can’t have.  I want to be a wife again.  I want to be a partner to someone.  I want to share my life with a man.  I want to explore what could be with Luke.  Yet, I know none of those are possible.  Maybe years down the line, they might be possible, but right now I’m Queen of the Impossible.

I know exploring anything with Luke is just not right at this point.  My kids are still trying to find some equilibrium after the brutal year of hell that we just got out of.  They need stability.  They need a parent to put their needs first.  They need me to be the strong, reliable parent.  Through everything, my kids will always come first.  Always.  There is just no question about that.

Sadly, the biggest obstacle to me exploring anything with Luke is Bubba. If he got wind of me getting serious about Luke, he would flip his lid and make life even worse for the kids.  He is so obsessed with Luke that he is making their lives hell over what he’s convinced himself happened.  There is no basis in reality for him thinking I had an affair but he continues to use Luke as a weapon against me with the children.  If I decide to explore a relationship with Luke, Bubba would up the attacks on the kids in order to hurt me.  Bubba knows that Serenity shares everything with me.  I’m sure this is why he continues to persist in trying to convince Serenity and Liam that I had an affair.  Hurt me through the kids.

Also, there is the factor that I’m just not ready for any kind of more-than-friends relationship.  I need to be on my own.  I would like to date.  (Yes, I know I keep flip-flopping about this topic.  I think it is the nature of healing.)  I would like to see what the world has to offer a single woman.  I never did this before.  I should’ve explored this in my 20′s but I was so gung-ho about getting married and having babies that I just didn’t.  I took the first guy who showed interest and married him.  I let myself be sucked in.  I won’t do that again.  I need to find out who I am and heal who I am.  Right now, my mosaic is only about 40% complete.  Yes, I’ve done a ton of healing in the past year, but I have so far to go yet.

The other main thing holding me back from exploring more with Luke is the bone-deep terror I feel when I think about risking myself again.  Sure, Friends With Benefits is great because it isn’t a relationship.  I just need to learn to keep it in its box.  I need to not translate a few days of sex (wonderful though it was) into something more.  I need to put those days into a special memory box and shut them away.  I can pull them out and savor the memories every once in awhile, but in the day-to-day, I need to shut them away and not think about them.  I used to be really good at compartmentalizing and I know I can do it again.  It’s just going to take a ton of work because I’m not used to doing it anymore.

Until then, I deal with the lonely.  Sean has been a big help.  He came over the other night after I went for a walk and we sat on the porch and talked until 2:30 am.  Last night we sat out there and talked till midnight.  He’s funny.  He’s a nice guy.  I’m pretty sure he’s as broken as I am.  He helps the lonely not be so bad.  Chatting with him doesn’t take it away completely because there is the physical side of the lonely that will NOT be entering the picture.  But it helps just having a man to talk to.  I like having him as a friend.

For now, having a male friend has to be enough.  The man I want to snuggle and get physical with is far away.  So, I’ll take the late night conversations with the man who is nearby.  And hopefully, when I go to bed, I’ll dream of the other one.

The one who I am hoping to get out of my mind yet can’t let go of completely.  <sigh>

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