Adventures in Dating, Online and Otherwise – Part 1
I joined an internet dating site. I figured I’d give it a shot and see what is out there. Actually, that isn’t entirely accurate. I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to join. My friend Hannah got it in her head to try it out and thought it would be so much more fun if she could talk me into joining too. There is one thing I know about myself – I’m insanely curious. That trait has a tendency to get me into all sorts of hot water and online dating is no exception.
Once I joined, I started getting matches right away. The site has the ability to hide people and I took advantage of that little Hide button. I had a few rules. 1. If you aren’t wearing a shirt in your profile picture – HIDE! 2. If you can’t spell – HIDE! 3. If you are wearing a hat and sunglasses in your profile picture – HIDE! 4. If you send me a message and all you say is, “Ur pretty.” – HIDE! 5. If you are shorter than 5’10″ – HIDE! (Yes, I know it is shallow but I’ve found that I really like tall men.) 6. If you say you are religious and serious about it – HIDE! 7. If I feel like it – HIDE!
I received quite a few messages. Most of them were from men who either had an innate inability to spell or were just looking for casual sex. I deleted those messages, utilized the HIDE! feature, and just didn’t respond.
I got a message from someone who sounded really nice. We messaged back and forth and decided to meet for coffee. That evening, he worked late and was too tired, but we ended up texting most of the evening away. We decided to meet at the mall on Saturday morning. On the way to the mall that morning, I was thinking, “What am I doing? I think I’m nuts. I’m not ready for this.”
Hannah and I had talked about it and we’d decided that if I ever did get to the point of meeting someone, she’d be my wingman. She’d go along and watch from a distance. For me, it was a safety issue. I liked knowing that I had someone watching my back and could swoop in and pretend to be a long-lost friend who just needed to speak to me RIGHT NOW! I could politely excuse myself, go home and HIDE! the guy, and not worry about it again.
I called Hannah on my way down there. She knew where we were scheduled to meet and would be there right when I was. I was flipping out because I didn’t feel ready for this at all. I told her that maybe, just maybe he wouldn’t show up. I was actually hoping for it. Well, I got my wish. He didn’t show. I finally texted him 15 minutes after we were supposed to me and he never answered. Weird.
Then there’s Luke. I can’t get Luke out of my head. It’s nearing obsession level. I found that in looking at the men’s profile pictures on that site, I was comparing them all to Luke. This one isn’t as tall as Luke, that isn’t as good looking, this one’s body can’t come close to Luke’s!
After being stood up at the mall (for which I’m still grateful), I suspended my account. I knew I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was to start this dating business. I’d never dated before, having gone from one relationship to the other. I simply was too terrified to try it again.
Then, friends wanted to introduce me to a man they know, so they suggested we become friends on Facebook and we’d been chatting there. Theo is very attractive. He’s built much the same as Luke and he has a beard. I really like facial hair on a man and this guy is sexy! Our chats tended to be long and I really enjoyed them. He made me laugh and shared some really interesting songs with me.
Theo asked how old I was so I told him I was 41 and asked how old he was. He said early 30′s. I can live with that. It isn’t too much younger than me. Besides, he sounds like he’d just be a fun person to hang out with on a Friday night.
A few days later, we were chatting again and he asked how old my kids were. I told him then he asked how old I was. I thought this was strange as he’d already asked me that. I again told him and thought I’d ask him again. This time he said he was 24. I let it go, thinking it was a typo and that he meant 34. As our conversations continued over the course of the next two weeks, things started to seem more and more funky with what he was telling me. I was really questioning if anything he told me was the truth since he again said something about being 25. I asked him when his birthday was, thinking it was in the past week. Nope, it was months ago. He was lying about his age and not doing a stellar job of it.
I was talking to Hannah and Arcadia about it one evening and Hannah got it in her mind to send him a FB message and ask him point-blank what kind of game he was playing. He responded and told her that I was the one who kept bringing up age when he’d repeatedly told me that he didn’t want to discuss it. Oh, that had me seeing red because I knew what our conversations contained. Then Theo sent me a message telling me that my crazy friend needed to back off and as he told me he wasn’t comfortable talking about his age. Yeah, no! What the dude didn’t realize is that I’d been gaslighted by the Master and wasn’t about to let my reality be questioned. He also didn’t take into account the fact that I never delete anything and FB just lets you continue a conversation in one long thread.
No, he’d never said anything about not wanting to discuss his age. It was actually Theo who kept asking me how old I was. The friends who suggested we become friends couldn’t believe that he’d acted like that. I told them the whole story since he was involved with a group that they were too. If he lies that easily, I felt they deserved to know that he is less than honest and he shouldn’t be trusted. Then I unfriended and blocked him.
I’m not the girl who goes out and has casual sex. I’m just not. I’m also approaching the point where I’m going to start thinking it’s an awesome idea. I think I found out that I really like sex and I just want more. Luke is a thousand miles away so that isn’t going to happen. Solo sex just leads to more loneliness. I just need to shut the body down completely. I want to go back to being numb, to feeling nothing, and having no desires at all. Just numb. That is what I want and what I’m working toward now.
I’m swearing off men. Completely. Totally. I’ve brought The Three Musketeers back to start cutting out unwanted thoughts when I have them. That helped when I had to cut Luke out of my life during the divorce. I hate that I have to do this again but I’m driving myself crazy. I need to find a way to shut my body down completely. Cutting out every thought seems like the best bet right now.
I disabled my online dating account. I’ve hidden people on FB. I think I want to become a hermit again.
I’m done with men.