The Question

I was texting with a friend about a week ago and she asked me if Luke lived closer would I want to pursue a relationship with him.  Exactly what I’d been avoiding asking myself for a long time.  I’ve said over and over that I wouldn’t even consider it because of logistics.  He’ll never leave his state and I’ll never go back.  Now, I’m pondering that question.  Over and over and over, ad nauseam.

The fact is that there are things about him that I just couldn’t live with.  He smokes (only when he drinks but still, smoking is a non-negotiable for me), he isn’t forthcoming with the emotions (I never know what he is thinking but this could be a product of our mostly text-only communication), I’m still not convinced he isn’t a player (he doesn’t kiss and tell so won’t tell me anything about his past), he has very firmly planted roots (I don’t need a Mama’s boy).

Yet, when I think about it there is something that overrides all of that.  I feel safe with him.  I know, absolutely, that he won’t hurt me.  Is that all this is?  That I feel totally safe with him?  I can honestly say I’m not in love with him.  I love him dearly, he’s a wonderful friend and sex wouldn’t be an issue.  And isn’t that what I’m looking for?  I’m not looking to fall in love as romantic love is a fleeting, fickle emotion.  I’m looking for a friend, a companion, someone to choose to show love to and who will choose to show love to me.

Twenty plus years ago, neither of would admit to the other how we felt.  I thought he wouldn’t be interested because he was older than me and I figured he’d think of me as just a silly high school girl.  He never admitted it because he thought I was happy and didn’t want to mess that up.  Can I really let this pass by again?  Can I make the same mistake again?  And is it a mistake?

I know I want to remain manless for a long time yet.  I’m not ready for another relationship.  The kids are definitely not ready for me to add having a relationship into their crazy lives.  And I certainly don’t want a long distance relationship.  So, why is my brain even going here?

I go back a few posts – I want to get married again someday.  I want to be a wife.  I want a husband to take care of and who takes care of me.  I want a companion, a partner.  And I circle around again to the “what if” I’ve been carrying around for over two decades….What if Luke is the one?  What if he is the one I’m meant to grow old with?  Isn’t it worth at least exploring?

Yes, I think it is.  But I also think now is not the time.  I need time to stand on my own.  I need to see what is out there.  I need to not jump right into another relationship without fully exploring who I am, who I want to be.  I need time to be single and have the fun I never had as a young adult.  I need to concentrate on my kids and helping them heal.  I need to concentrate on my own healing.

For now, things will continue as they have been.  We’ll continue to text, talk every so often. And if we are meant to be together, we’ll still be single in another couple of years when I feel able to explore that looming, “what if.”  It doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t shut my brain up at all.  The question will continue knocking around in my head.  Part of me understands that it is best, for now, to not pursue it.  The other part of me just wants to settle down and skip all this garbage.  I understand that that would end in utter disaster.  I need time: time to heal, time to grow, time to explore, time to discover me.

It just isn’t going to be easy.

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