Waiting For The Sun

Endellion and I got drunk last night.   Although we are physically separated by quite a few states, we often chat and video chat on Skype.  We like to drink together because usually, we giggle our asses off and have a blast.

Last night we cried harder than we normally laugh, at least Endellion did.  When these types of cries happen, they blind-side us.  We never see this release of emotion coming and it knocks us on our asses each and every time.  Thankfully, we have each other to share our pain with because no one understands how we feel like we do.  Our stories are so very similar that our journeys parallel each other.  We finish each other’s sentences and feel each other’s pain because her pain is mine and mine is hers.  We have a connection.

I want to share parts of our Skype chat with you so that you can see that I’m not in this alone and neither do you need to be.  There are people out there who get it, who understand, and that you are not alone.  Endellion and I, by the grace of God, found each other.  Here is a glimpse into our world:

(This first paragraph is part of a blog post that I wrote this morning.  Since the inspiration was what had happened last night and something Endellion said, I wanted to share it with her.  This is where our debriefing of last night begins.)

Hope: Bubba is a fucking, rat-bastard.  I can’t even go to work without dealing with the effects of his abuse.  It permeates every part of my life, nothing is untouched.  His abuse is like a festering wound, eating at me from the inside.  Endellion described this healing journey as “debridement.”  I think she is right.  We have to painfully, tirelessly dig out this cancer from our souls.   It is so very painful while we are doing this hard work, but it will be worth the effort once we can say that we’ve cut out all the sickness.  Once we are well and healthy, we’ll look back at the pain of the journey and know that we fought the good fight and that it was worth every horrendously painful step to get to where we are.

Endellion: it’s excellent.

H: puts last night into perspective, i think.  we were actively debriding last night.

E: and I like the fact that you didn’t mention I was slobbering, bawling, snotting drunk when I said it. (rofl)  we were, inside and out

H: i love you

E: (heart) I love you too

H: i feel fresh and new and hopeful this morning.

E: I needed that a lot.  yes, I feel loads lighter

H: you did.  you had that all bottled up and it had to come out.  i’m simply honored that i could be there for you last night.  i know you don’t let your guard down like that and i feel special that you do with me.

E: I didn’t realize I had all of that stuffed away

H: as soon as the first sniffle happened, i knew we were in for a wild ride.

E: (heart) oh Hope. I think you are the only one who could have witnessed that and not been frightened out of her mind

H: because i’ve btdt.

E: thank you so so much

H: i get it.

E: yeah. for real.  I really didn’t know it was all in there

H: i think that is what sucks the most.  getting blind-sided by this shit. i never see it coming either. i didn’t see the screaming and crying at God last night coming.  i got off the phone with you and totally lost it. (I’d just found out that Bubba had bought an expensive toy for Serenity.  He won’t pay child support, but he’ll buy her an expensive toy.  I had very big, ugly feelings about that.)

E: (hug) yeah blind-sided is right

H: i knew i was going to scream (that’s why i got off the phone, i didn’t want to scream in your ear) but i thought I was just going to do the scream of the frustrated.  i did NOT know that i was going to scream at God and then sink to the dirty living room floor and sob hysterically

E: (hug) I didnt know I was going to sob and rant for two hours last night either. 😡

H: i’m so glad it helped though. i kinda thought it would.  it always helps me.  especially when i cry with you.

E: (heart) I can’t say it enough. I NEEDED that in a way I didn’t even realize. I long for the day when I can release my pain without holding it in for a while (waiting)

H: me too.  that is what scares me about what is going on with that man right now.  ring in jello, baby.  i can’t access the hurt right now.  how much has to build up, how big does that ring have to get before i can grab it?  (I’ve described my hurt feelings before as a ring that is at the bottom of a pool of jello.  I’m aware that the ring is there but I have no way to get it.  My feelings are like that.  I know they are buried under there somewhere and in some abstract way I see that they are there but I simply can’t access them any more than I could access that ring under all that jello.)

E:  Oh babe I don’t know. BUT I will be here with you when you need to process it.  isn’t it hysterical??? You and I get stumbling, almost puking drunk, wake up light, happy, and not one bit hung over!!!!  (rofl)

H: cause, damn, woman, we are good!  did you puke?

E: every damn step of the way.  nope

H: i’m glad.  i hate puking.

E: drank some water and went to bed.  me too. lol

H: me too.

E: wanna know what my two menfolk are doing?

H: my vodka is 40% alcohol.  WTF is up with rum?  I didn’t realize it was so light weight.  what are they doing?

E: sitting on the couch in their jammies perusing their lego catalogues.  they look like tiny men reading the paper.  (rofl)

H: how cute!  picture!!!!

E: yeah I totally should.

H: since child support enforcement caught up to Bubba, let’s see if the financial consequences that he’ll finally face make him escalate.  I have a feeling, he isn’t going to take it lightly.  (I found out right before this conversation that child support enforcement had collected Bubba’s first payment and deposited into my bank account a couple of days ago.  It wasn’t even for a half a month’s payment, but it was something!  YEAH!!!)

E: I hope he does do something stupid. I think Serenity calling the police on him last time rattled him

H: i think it did.

E:  at least he isn’t being violent towards them anymore

H: i know.  it’s all psychological (which he is really good at) but he can’t hold off on the physical for very long and it’s been 6 months.  unless he’s acting out toward his girlfriend.  his usual pattern was about every 3-4 months.

E: yeah. who knows what he’s up to at work, though

H: i know  duh.  went back to my bedroom to change cause a friend is coming over to hang out and i couldn’t find my sweats.  took me a minute to remember they’re out here in the kitchen cause that is where i got naked last night.  (I’d gotten hot and thought it was great idea to take off my sweat pants even though I was sitting at the kitchen table.)

E: (rofl)  hang on gonna get #2 some food. you can call phone if you want

H: i need to eat something. leftover popcorn isn’t doing it for me this morning.  although it was yummy.

E: lol  my cashews taste amazing

H: my eggs with cheese are gonna be good.  i really wish i had sushi left.  i can’t believe i ate all of it last night.  took me 5 hours, but i ate it all.

E:  lol!  I believe it.  Hope, how are we gonna go through with this?

H: with each other!

E: I just don’t see what the next step is. I feel like I’m climbing blind.  yes. indeed.

H: me too, honey, me too.  but we find one hand hold and one foot hold at a time.  we move slowly and carefully.  and we hope that the further we climb out of this pit the more light we’ll have to see what we are doing.  right now, even though we’ve both come so far, we are still in the dark.

E: good Lord are we still down here? I thought we were out of the pit by now?

H: we’re still climbing, hon.

E: (:|

H: they had us living in hell for so many years.  it’s a long journey.

E: so very right.

H: sometimes we find a ledge where we can rest and i think that rest lures us into thinking that we’ve found the top.  then something else happens and we realize we were only on a ledge and have to get back to climbing.

E: sigh. you know.  we’re seeing that ray of light, and we’re thinking its the horizon, and the sun and it’s not.  We’ve been waiting for the sun to rise this whole time.  and its not the sun its just the top of the Pit.  My God, Hope, how much further do we have to go?

H: i fucking wish i knew.  i just know that we have to keep going.  i don’t want to fall back down into that pit.

E: can’t stay here, that’s for damned sure

H: and once we get out of the pit, we have to walk.  but that will be our healthy life journey.

E: so it’ll get easier!!!!!  OY!  it’ll get easier!!

H: i don’t think the hard work will ever end for us.  it’ll be so much easier for us, but i think we’ll always have it harder than others simply because of what we’ve been through.  conversely, our joy will be so much more than others because we know what it is to be joyless and damaged. we take the bad with the good and somehow learn to keep walking through the bad and rejoice in the good.  you and i, we feel so much more than normal people.  that is why our lows hurt so badly.  but our highs are so amazing.  no one else can appreciate them like we can.

E: (heart) you are so right.

H: take, for instance, me almost passing out from getting to 2nd base with that man.  seriously?

E: do you why I see you as so wise and strong? look at you, synthesizing all of this out of the crap I dumped last night!

H: i felt that into my soul because that is how we feel everything.  because we CAN feel now.  we are allowed to feel.  honey, i don’t know where it comes from.  it is like words just pour out of me, i have no control over it.  my fingers just go.

E: (heart)

H: i think that is why the blog happened.  the words took over at first.  i read those first weeks of posts and am amazed that I wrote those posts.  i don’t remember writing them.  hell, i told Arcadia thank you for making me sound so good cause i thought she was editing the snot out of them.  that’s when she told me she was just breaking up my paragraphs and clarifying pronouns after she broke them apart.  everything else was me.

E: yep

H: honestly, Endellion, there are posts that I do NOT remember writing.  i just don’t.

E: I have blog posts, poems and journal entries like that.  hell I have English papers like that

H: see? you and i are connected.  so if you see this amazingly strong person when you look at me, you have to see the same thing when you look in the mirror.  holy shit, i need to copy/paste this into a post!

E: yes. I think you do.  you can paste my words too.

H: oh, just do the whole post as our conversation?  oh, that is interesting.  i’m intrigued by this idea. let people see how we process shit together.

E: we could.  I think it might help.  Let’s do it. I’m, scared but let’s do it.  It’s saturday- right- bonus post?

H: want me to do it for today’s bonus post?  i love you!!!!

E: we’re good.

H: damn, we are.  where should i start?

E:  O Hope, its time. It is high time people understand what it’s like.

H: scroll up and find a good starting place.

E: oh I dont even know. Let’s look

And that is where I picked up the phone and called her and we started going through our conversation again.  We process things together because it never fails that when I’m weak, she is strong.  When she is weak, I am strong.  We help each other, we support each other.  I don’t know how I’d get through without Endellion.  It breaks my heart that she was so damaged by the people who were supposed to love her that she absolutely can’t see the truly amazing woman she is.  She is strong, brave, courageous, and gorgeous!  She can’t see it.  Just as I can’t see any of those in myself.

We will fight this fight together.  We will walk it together.  We will come out of the Pit and we will watch the sun rise together.  To do any less is unacceptable and intolerable.  Anything less would be letting those who hurt us win.  We won’t do that.

We will be victorious and we will live in peace and joy.  We await the sun.

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2 Comments

  1. Cantata

    I love the bit about climbing out of the pit, thinking you are at the top, then realizing it is just a ledge. Been there, done that. We need t-shirts. Ha ha. I’m glad I have ya’ll processing things a bit ahead of where I am. It has been so helpful to have both of you guiding and processing along with me too 🙂

    • Yes, I paid a lot of attention to women who’d BTDT before me and how they’d handled their healing. We are supposed to turn to older women for guidance so why not in this area too. And not necessarily older, just further along in the journey. There is one woman, in particular, who I ask advice of and watch how she handles things. She fiercely protects and advocates for her children and she always has such words of wisdom as to how to handle Bubba. She is an inspiration to me.

      It helps. We walk our journeys together and help each other out.

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