He Was Sadistic

I’m reading an article about orgasms right now.  As I was writing my last post, I started wondering how often women actually orgasm during sex.  I’ve heard that it isn’t as often as one would think.  From what I’m reading, intercourse only sex rarely produces orgasms.  Usually it is intercourse plus something else that results in an orgasm.

As I was reading this article, I came to this, “If we’re close enough to and comfortable enough with someone to be having sex with them, it really, truly should be no big whoop to say things like, ‘Hey, try that a little to the left,’ or ‘Can you move a bit more slowly,’ or ‘Let’s switch to this position,’ or ‘It feels even better when you rub my clitoris while we do this,’ or ‘Don’t stop doing exactly that, I think I’m going to come.’ ”  That last sentence really hit me.  Just as I had stopped telling Bubba when he hurt me, I also stopped telling him when I was close to orgasm.

We relied on a rabbit vibrator to start out.  I would reach the point of orgasm, then he would slip that out and we’d have sex.  It took anywhere from 30 seconds (not really often) to 10 minutes for me to reach orgasm with the vibrator.  There were many times when he would have it in a certain position that I knew if he just kept it there, I would orgasm.  I’d tell him this and it never failed that he’d move it.  It always seemed accidental.  I never thought it was on purpose because his whole thing was that I had to come.  Why would he move it on purpose?

I now think that he did move it on purpose simply because he is a sadistic ass.  I really think he enjoyed tormenting me.  Now that I’m understanding him more, I think he just delighted in twisted games.  Get mad at me if I don’t orgasm, but make it difficult for me to get there because he’d move the damn vibrator at a crucial moment.  That way he had an excuse to get mad at me.

The thing I hate the most about processing these years of abuse is how things keep popping up randomly like this.  I was just reading an article and that sentence made me think of that.  Sometimes really off-the-wall things happen that have me thinking about my years with him.  I’ve been working on healing for 13 months now and things are still popping up that I haven’t thought of before.  How long does this process take?  Will I be doing this for the next 20 years?

I think that is what concerns me the most.  I wonder if I’ll get to a point where nothing new is popping up and I think I’m done with this healing journey.  Then, what if I get involved in a relationship and stuff starts popping back up again?  It is bound to happen.  Just having a male friend has made it happen.

I was watching a movie with Sean recently and that brought up how horrible and stressful it was to watch t.v. with Bubba.  The dvd was playing really weird and I was getting more and more agitated, apologizing to Sean for how it was messed up.  He kept insisting that it was no big deal but I felt my anxiety continue to spiral out of control.  It was then that I realized how stressful it was to watch t.v. with Bubba.  When things like that happened with him, he would find a way to blame me.  I would either have done something wrong when I recorded the show or when I burned the dvd.  Everything was always my fault.  What things will come up in every day life if I’m involved in a romantic relationship some day?  I try not to think about it because that is far away but it does enter my mind.

I don’t want to be 80 years old still having crap pop up out of the blue that I have to wrestle with and conquer.  It’s been 13 months.  I’m tired.

I just want to be done processing garbage now.



  1. Give it time and hang in there. Since I’m still where I am, I know it will be a while for me to work through some things, but some things have gotten easier. I’ve changed my way of thinking and look forward to mostly normal one day.

    • “mostly normal one day.” Yes! I look forward to that day too.

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