Processing Luke’s Visit
WARNING: This gets graphic.
Luke and I had just sixty hours together. We went to the lake, grilled burgers with Hannah, walked along the river together, and went out to eat for dinner (I got to wear my awesome, sexy dress and stilettos). We also had sex.
I used to have this idea that “having sex” was not the desired thing. I wanted to “make love.” There was a difference to me. Then a friend of mine said the exact opposite of what I believed about those expressions. She hated the term “making love” and preferred to call it “having sex.” I’ve realized that the words weren’t important. Hell, if I wanted to be perfectly accurate, I could just say we fucked. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what I call it. What matters is that is was the best experience I could possibly have had.
Luke was everything I’ve never had before. He was kind, caring, considerate. He often asked how I was doing or if I was ok. Most importantly, he let me lead almost the entire time (except the one time I told him to lead). I was in charge.
There were so many things that I thought I didn’t like about sex. Long ago I decided that I couldn’t accurately say what I did or did not like simply because everything I knew was in the context of abuse – not a healthy sexual relationship. I decided to throw everything I thought I did or didn’t like out the window and start fresh. I am simply amazed that my idea worked.
In all of our texting, I was always thinking about oral sex. I could probably count on one hand the number of times Bubba was able to talk me into doing that to him. Looking back now, I think I hated it as much as I did and refused to do it because it was one thing I could absolutely control. There was no way for him to make me do it. I would much rather take the punishment for not doing it than give in on that one thing. As far as oral on me, that was the worst of it. I never, never had a choice about it. I would tell Bubba, “No.” and he would continue down my body and do it anyway. I would immediately go to The Happy Place and stay there for as long as I thought I needed before I felt like asking him to move on would be met with cooperation. Many times, I’d leave The Happy Place to ask him and he would ignore me and continue on. I would have to retreat immediately back to The Happy Place. I hated times like that when I’d duck out and have to duck back in so quickly because he just ignored me.
With Luke, all I could think about was taking him in my mouth. During a round of drunk texting, I told him that all I could think about was licking up one side and down the other then sucking him dry and watching his eyes roll back in his head. I shocked myself by that because I was not just talking, I actually meant it. That is not something I’d ever wanted to do before – EVER. And I got my way. Twice! Before, I’d never imagined that it would be something that a woman would enjoy, that it was something solely for the man’s pleasure. I was wrong! Doing that made me feel powerful in a way I’d never felt before and it was amazing to know that I was doing something that felt so good to Luke.
I asked him to do it to me then. He knew it was a huge issue for me so he didn’t mention it; again he waited for me to ask first. When I asked him to, he asked if I was sure. I told him I’d like to give it a try. It was amazing! Nothing like what Bubba used to do. First, it is a totally different experience when it is consensual! Second, that man knows how to use his tongue. He so wasn’t lying about that. Lastly, I know he would’ve stopped had I asked him to. Feeling confident in that added a level of pleasure that I couldn’t have believed possible.
Also during a drunk texting conversation I once told him to never approach me from behind. For the past few years, that was pretty much the only position Bubba and I used. It was a lot easier for me to go to The Happy Place if I didn’t have to look at him. Plus, it was over a lot faster in that position. At one point with Luke, we were taking a break and I asked him what his favorite position was. He told me it was the one I didn’t like so we weren’t going to do that. Since I was snuggled up with him at the time, I had a moment to think about it. I told him we could try that. He said we didn’t have to and I told him I wanted to try it. I started doing a lot of self-talk. ”This is Luke. This is Luke. This is Luke. You are safe. You are ok.” I asked if he could start by kissing my neck and he did. When we started, he had his hand on my hip, so I grabbed it. I thought holding his hand would anchor me to him and it worked! Between telling myself it was him and I was ok and holding his hand I felt completely safe.
My hips did begin to hurt in that position. I really warred with myself about saying anything. I had been so conditioned to not even mention when something hurt that it took me a couple of minutes to open my mouth. I tried before that. I tried to tell him but I’d open my mouth and nothing would come out. I realized I’d stopped even telling Bubba when something hurt because it was so much easier to just let him go and get it over with than to rock the boat by telling him that something was wrong with me. With Luke, it proved to be vastly different. As soon as I said, “My hips are starting to hurt,” he pulled out, laid down, and pulled me down to snuggle with him. He said we were going to pause and take a break. I snuggled up with him and just laid there, rather boggled. I kept thinking, “I told him I was hurting and he stopped. Huh. That’s weird. It’s really nice. But it’s weird. This must be what normal people do.”
On Thursday we did a repeat of that position. He actually asked me if my hips were ok and started rubbing them at the same time. My chin almost hit the bed. He remembered! He cared! Again, he was prepared to stop if I needed him to.
Wednesday night we just went to bed. He said he was tired and we should go to sleep. Looking back now, I’m pretty sure he was looking out for me. We didn’t go to sleep until midnight Tuesday night and I was awake for the day at 2 am. I was so wired that I just couldn’t sleep. I finally went back to bed around 6 am and he woke up when I got there. Later in the day, I’d tried to nap but only dozed on and off for about 90 minutes. By Wednesday evening, I was tired. I fell asleep all curled up with him.
Let’s discuss sleeping with someone. I actually mean the sleeping part. That was amazing too. Usually I don’t like to be touched when I sleep. Those three nights with Luke were a totally different experience. I fit against him so perfectly that it was comfortable to be held in his arms and fall asleep feeling peaceful and safe. Honestly, I think that is going to be what I miss the most about him going home. Even when either of us rolled away, we always came back together sometime during the night or early morning.
A friend of mine came over yesterday evening. She’s had similar experiences and has already experienced sex after marital rape. She understood all the emotions I had swirling around yesterday. We talked a lot about what I’m feeling and how she felt and we have a lot in common. One thing that I remembered yesterday was how my mind could split off in separate awarenesses during sex.
When having sex, Bubba had a habit of moving his thumb close to my anus. I absolutely hated that. I made it very clear to him that I hated it and yet he persisted. That is one thing that I had trouble remaining in The Happy Place for. When he did that a part of me would splinter off and I could clearly see myself jumping off the bed and screaming at him, “I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR THUMBS AWAY FROM MY ASSHOLE!! WHY DO YOU DO THAT? WE ARE DONE HERE!” then storming off. I never had the courage to actually do it though.
Part of me would be in The Happy Place, trying to entice the screaming part of me back into that meadow. She knew it was futile to do what I dreamed of doing. Yet, that rebellious part of me would fracture off and have her way but only in my head. She was never allowed to actually come out and do what she so desperately wanted to do. The fear of what would happen was too great. It kept her completely locked in the bedroom of my brain. After she came out, raged at Bubba, and felt the utter futility of actually acting on it, she would rejoin the other in The Happy Place. To this day, she regrets never having acted on that.
Now that I’m thinking of it, I’m wondering if she was the precursor to Fluffy. She was so angry, so ragey, and so very caged. The steel bars that kept her from coming out may have been invisible but they were very strong, nonetheless.
When Luke and I were in that position, his thumbs naturally laid close to my anus. The difference is that he never moved his thumbs. His hands are so large that as he held my hips, that is just naturally where his thumbs were. At first I was a little disconcerted but when I realized that he wasn’t moving his thumbs, I was ok with it. I really liked the feel of his hands on my hips and I was concentrating on that sensation.
Luke’s hands were such a great part of this experience. He has very large hands and he has a lot of power in them. He didn’t touch me tentatively, he touched me like he meant it. He held onto my hips (which drove me wild), he rubbed my back, he hugged me. In all of those touches, I could feel the strength in his hands. It was never scary. It always made me feel safe and protected. I felt so tiny next to him and having his hands on me, his arms around me, made me feel secure in a way I’ve never felt before. His hands would not hurt me. I know that, absolutely.
The entire experience with Luke was healing. It was a short visit but I feel healed in ways that I didn’t believe possible. When I woke up alone this morning, I rolled over and remembered what it was like to roll over and snuggle in to him. Before I had to use my imagination because I was thinking about it every morning. Now, each morning if I choose, I can use my memory to go back to that space in time when he was here. I can dream that someday, maybe, I’ll find a man who makes me feel that safe and secure every day for the rest of my life.
Yes, I want to get married again. I want to feel safe and loved every morning when I wake up next to him, every night when I go to sleep with him, and every day in between. I have to have hope that that man is out there somewhere for me. I’m in no hurry to find him. For now, I’m content to just be me, take care of me and my kids, and hopefully, enjoy some more visits from Luke.
I’d like that.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ First Year Divorced ♦ Healing ♦ Sexual Abuse
- Tagged: abusive dynamic, abusive marriage, afraid, boundaries, control, emotional abuse, emotions, feelings, healing, Luke, marital rape, marriage, married, oral, ownership, permission, Power and Control Wheel, rape, safe, secure, sex, sexual, sexual abuse, sleeping, spooning