Healing is Amazing!
Luke arrived around 5:30 pm. I went out to the car and we hugged. It felt so good to have my arms around him. I helped him get his stuff into the house. We got everything situated and he noticed the pull-up bar that Serenity has in the doorway between the hallway and living room. I told him I could do two pull-ups and went over to demonstrate. I only got one done when he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me down against him, and kissed me. I’m pretty sure I shook for five minutes – in a good way.
We sat on the couch and talked for a long while. Then Jenna and Hannah came over (because they are nosy). We went to Costco for some alcohol. When we got back, I kicked them out and Luke and I came in the house. We watched Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog and after it was over I asked if he was planning to kiss me again ever. It took me that long to work up the courage to be that bold. He kissed me again. We turned Thor on and ended up making out instead of actually watching the movie.
He asked if I wanted to move into the other room. I wasn’t exactly ready for that and I was enjoying just kissing him. After a bit, I decided I was ready to go back to the bedroom.
We spent the next couple of hours moving very slowly. He let me be in total control. I even had to ask him to take my bra off because he wasn’t about to do anything I wasn’t ready for. Every step of the way, I led, he followed. We talked about what we liked and didn’t (although I don’t remember not liking any of it). We communicated.
We tried a position that could’ve been potentially triggering for me. I had asked him what his favorite position was and he said it was one that he knew I didn’t like so we weren’t going to do that. I told him to give me a minute. It took a lot of self-talk to tell myself that this wasn’t Bubba and that I would NOT let Bubba win anything from me – even a certain sexual position. I finally told him we could try it. I kept repeating to myself, “This is Luke. This is Luke. This is Luke. This is Luke.” I also held his hand to anchor me and to keep me with him just in case.
At one point, my hips were starting to hurt and I really struggled for about two minutes to say something. I finally told him that my hips were hurting. He immediately stopped, laid down beside me, and pulled me into him to snuggle. He told me we were going to pause and rest for a bit. I almost didn’t know how to process that. To have my words heard and to have him care about my physical needs was just so out of my realm of normal that I had trouble processing it.
It was the most healing experience I’ve had throughout this whole journey. My body is not broken. It worked perfectly as it should have. All those years of my body not working was not because it was broken or because I was nursing or because I was getting old. It was because I was continually being raped and one’s body is not supposed to work right when it is being raped. It was not my fault that my body didn’t work. I didn’t cause this and I’m not broken.
The entire time we were together was at my pace – what I wanted. He was kind and considerate and caring. He didn’t want to spook me or do anything that I wasn’t comfortable with. I’m over 40 years old and I’ve never in my life had a man be that concerned with my well being – both physically and emotionally. It is a new reality for me. I can embrace this reality. There are men out there who care about more than themselves.
There are men out there who *want* the woman they are with to have a good time and enjoy themselves as much as they are. I have a new reality and I will never go back to that old reality. I will never be another man’s toy or possession or random vagina. I am a woman, worthy of love and respect, care and kindness.
I will not settle for anything less again.
- Posted in: As Life Continues - My Story Now ♦ First Year Divorced ♦ Healing
- Tagged: abuse, abuser, abusive marriage, afraid, care, concern, emotions, feelings, friends, healing, intimidation, Luke, marital rape, most healing experience, not broken, pleasure, Power and Control Wheel, rape, reclamation, sex, sexual abuse, worked