Power aka So That’s What It’s All About
Yesterday was my birthday. I’ve been wanting to go to the lake and thought my birthday would be a great day to do it. Alas, I did not want to go alone. I texted Sean to see what he was doing. I told him that I was debating going up to the lake. I was chatting with Endellion and asked her if I should ask him to go with me. Things have been tense with Sean since he pulled his 12 year old drama queen stunt but we’ve been talking a bit. Endellion thought it was a good idea, so I asked him.
He called and said that when I’d mentioned going up he was sitting there thinking, “Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask.” Then I asked. He called to tell me he didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to go together. It seems that he still isn’t over wanting to be more than friends. He seemed really worried about upsetting me. I told him it was perfectly fine and all he had to do was say, “I don’t want to go.” Explanations weren’t necessary. I told him that it takes a lot to upset or offend me, unless it insulting my baking. I get upset very easily when someone criticizes my baking. (I was totally teasing him about it.) He made it very clear that he is still very interested and that us spending time together like that is just not a good idea.
I got off the phone with him and got hit with this mad power rush. Since I was talking to Endellion, I told her that if I was a bitch or reveled in other people’s pain, I could have a lot of fun with this. I could totally tease him and play with him and just watch him squirm. Knowing I have that power is very heady. It feels amazing to think that he is looking at me like that. It feels powerful to know that I would have a willing puppy panting after me if I so chose to use it to my advantage.
This must be what Bubba felt like when he was in full control mode. I wish I could describe the feeling of power and how good it feels to think about doing the things I want to do.
The difference between Bubba and me is the fact that I understand that other people’s feeling are more important that this power trip. I value not hurting another person above the rush of the high I could get from playing with someone. I can get the high just thinking about it but never actually acting on it. I don’t have to hurt other people to make myself feel better. And most importantly, the biggest difference is that if I did hurt someone, I would feel miserable about it. It would eat at me.
I feel badly about the fact that Sean is feeling like this about me and I don’t return his feelings. It hurts me to know that he is hurting. I know it isn’t my fault that he is hurting but I don’t like it anyway. I have a conscience. I will not purposely hurt others to make myself feel good.
But in the privacy of my mind, I can sit here and think about teasing him, playing with him, leading him on, then turning him out cold. I can sit here and indulge in a fantasy life where I’m a bitch and he’s that puppy who follows me around, doing my bidding, trying to get any scrap of attention from me that he can. I can sit here and imagine him burning because he wants me. I can enjoy the fact that I’m a sexual being and that there is at least one person who finds me attractive and wants me. I’ve spent the past 15 years trying to hide the fact that I am a woman and have womanly parts because I didn’t want Bubba wanting me. Now, I’m free and am learning the power of sex. I’m learning the power of being a female. I’m learning the power I wield when a man admits that he wants me. In my mind, I can luxuriate in that power.
Purity is loving this. She wants to run with it. Thankfully, I’ve had years of practice controlling Fluffy so I’m in ultimate control. If I could contain Fluffy for all those years, Purity should be easier.
At least that’s what I tell myself.