Fluffy and Purity
Fluffy had his day. My party was on Saturday. I took an axe to our old headboard and a sledgehammer to that damn rock. It felt so good to destroy things. I finally released Fluffy from his cage and let him roar. He didn’t take over. He didn’t consume me. He joined with me. He no longer feels like a separate entity. I can still see the big cat. I can still reach into myself and pet him and feel his sleek black fur, but I can feel it with my hands and I can feel it from his point of view too.
I’m no longer afraid of Fluffy because we are one now. We are linked. I don’t control him and he doesn’t control me. We work in one accord, we are of the same mind. He is no longer the enemy to be feared. He is a fearsome ally who will stand with me, work with me, slay the dragons with me. He is the power center behind whatever anger I will feel.
Fluffy will help direct the anger appropriately and channel it for my betterment and health. For my part, I will never again deny his autonomy, his right to feel, his right to prowl, and his right to be heard. The caged beast is no longer threatening me. He is still the same size he’s always been but he is as docile with me as a kitten. I know, without one shadow of a doubt, that those fangs, claws, and glowing, red eyes will reappear when I need them but they will never be directed at me again. In those instances, he will face out, with me beside him with my hand on his shoulders and we will work together to defend me.
The next step in this is Purity. I’ve been walking around for two days feeling like a raw nerve ending. I feel like an orgasm waiting to happen. I’m on edge. Now that Fluffy has been reintegrated, Purity doesn’t have anything to temper her. She is in charge. She will not be caged like Fluffy was. I had years of experience pushing Fluffy into a cage. It was easy (for the most part) to keep him caged. When it became hard to keep him caged, I just buried him deeper inside myself.
The problem with Purity is that she’s never been caged. She ran away and hid so far down inside me that I was never even aware of her existence. I never had to work to contain her because she made herself so small, so hidden way deep down that I never knew she was even there.
Then she made her appearance. She demanded attention but I was so busy still trying to contain Fluffy that she was content to stand by and know that Fluffy had to have his day before she had hers. Now she is demanding attention and she is rubbing up against every single nerve ending that I have, waking them all up, showing them that she is pure pleasure and she is ready to have her day.
And she terrifies me no less than Fluffy did. More, actually, because I’ve denied my sexuality for so long. I’ve spent years trying to make myself as unattractive as possible, hiding in baggy clothes, being content being 30 pounds overweight, trying anything to get Bubba to NOT want *that* from me. Now that sexual part of who I am needs to come out. Purity is demanding attention. And I have no experience containing her, controlling her. She’s made her presence known and now that Fluffy isn’t standing in her way, she is taking control.
I have a week until Luke gets here. I have a feeling it is only going to get worse as I count down the days. Purity will only get more restless and demanding. She’s walking around, making sure that each and every nerve ending is like a lit fuse.
I need to get her under control – at least for a week.